Sexual issues: How to manage

Tools to have a satisfying sex life

Typical reaction to sexual problems

Most couple therapies will focus to a certain degree on giving the tools to react productively to a sexual difficulty. A lot of the times, the couple comes in with one of them being the "patient" and the other will be tagging along. Sometimes, the partners agree on those positions initially given and other times it is a point of conflict between them.

Who really has a problem?

Frequently the person who tags along during the therapy has strongly reacted to the problem by feeling culpable and blame themselves for it. For example, a man will have difficulty with his erection and the partner will think that they are either unattractive or incompetent in bed. This puts pressure on the partner to reassure their spouse's low self-esteem. Inevitably, this creates performance anxiety for the next sexual encounter which diminishes sexual arousal and pleasure, thus perpetuating a vicious cycle. 

The person who tags along can also have frustration towards the designated "patient". If one partner has lower sexual desire than the other, this builds up over time as their sexual needs are not met as they wish. Often, the initial reaction of blaming oneself turns towards the other when the situation doesn't change. Unfortunately, these negative reactions only hinder the issue further down more difficulties.

Co-constructing a sexual problem

When couples perceive sexual issues as sporadic and temporary in time, this can reduce the factors that maintain the problem in the first place.  A defeatist attitude or dramatizing the sexual difficulty generally increases the problem. The partners don't see each other as collaborating but combative.  One's behavior creates a bad reaction in the other, especially in emotionally fused couples.

For many people, sexuality is an aspect of their life where they are fragile and vulnerable. When there is a sexual issue that doesn't rub their ego the right way by feeling incompetent and less desirable; it generates a reaction that threatens the well-being of the relationship.

• How do you feel when your partner isn't as sexually aroused as you want them to be?

• How do you react when the other refuses your sexual advances?

• Do you believe that sex should be natural and simple?

• How do you perceive sexual issues in a relationship?

• How important do you consider sexuality when evaluating the satisfaction of your relationship?

• Do you consider yourself responsible for your partner's sexual pleasure?

• Who is responsible for YOUR sexual pleasure during sex?

The answers that you give to the questions above strongly correlate with your reaction to sexual difficulties. People who take sexual problems as a personal attack or blame the other for the issue only fuel the problem. 

Productively managing sexual difficulties

1. We try to understand OUR part of responsibility in the issue, without taking all the blame or devaluing ourselves.
2. We ask questions to our partner about their perception and how they feel about the situation.
3. We manage our emotions and reflect on what the other person tells us.
4. We maintain an open and HONEST discussion about the issue.
5. We collaborate together rather than attack each other in our insecurities and fears.
6. We talk about it with lightness and humour by seeing it as an opportunity to make our relationship and sexuality better.
7. We consult a health care professional such as a sexologist & psychotherapist when we aren't capable of dealing with the issue ourselves.

Learn more about the author

Francois Renaud M.A.

Sex therapist & psychotherapist in Downtown Montreal

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Increase sexual satisfaction

Sexual presence anxiety

Getting out of a sexual routine

We often talk about sexual performance when it comes to having good or bad sex. Many people desperately search to be sexually performing in bed so that they can get their ego's rubbed the right way. They want their partner's to notice how good they are and leave their mark. Others will find this dynamic to be unfulfilling and transition towards more of a sexual presence to avoid the sexual routine.

From performance to sexual presence...not so easy

When people realize the advantages of letting go of being performing sexually and becoming more present with their partner during sex, they inevitably find it natural to progress to the next step. Although, this task isn't as easy as one would want it to be. Our old tendencies are hard to push aside. We are educated at a young age to perform in sex and many aspects of our lives. We want to have results that are quantifiable such as a number of orgasms, a score between 1 and 10, the frequency of sexual relationships, the number of partners, the length of the penis, duration of sex, the amount of lubrification, the percentage of penis rigidity. 

How do you define your sexual satisfaction?

Sexual presence isn't clear cut

Sexual performance is based on techniques, sexual positions and quantifiable aspects of sex. Sexual presence is more fluid and organic. It feels completely different than the sex you've had so far. Each person experiences and feels sexual presence differently. It is not an esoteric kind of sex, but more of a new mindset. Although, some people find this kind of sexual experience through esoteric means. We must learn to manage that there are no manual or directions to becoming sexually present. This is the difficult part for most people as we are used to being told how to do things. It is more of a personal journey than something you must do in a certain way. It is changing our intentions when having sex.

This can make most people feel sexually incompetent when we try to have more sexually present sex. Who wants to feel that way at 30 or 40 or even 50 years old? It is actually quite similar to the first time we have sex and we have no idea what we are doing. We are stressed out and in unknown territory. Why would we want to have sex where we feel sexually inadequate?

Getting past our insecurities

Sexual presence brings us face to face with what we have wanted to avoid in sex for a long time, which is our vulnerability and our insecurities. We often talk about how sex must be comfortable and easy going to be satisfied. This isn't false, but we do have to feel some type of unease if we eventually want to grow and mature in our sex life and achieve a more fulfilling and joyful sex.

By confronting our insecurities that make us vulnerable with our partner's, we eventually succeed at getting past them. We learn to experience our sexuality in a different manner that changes our dynamic during sex. Once we get a taste of sexual presence, we realize how anxious and uneasy we were during sex when we were trying to perform. Most of the time, people that come to therapy never want to go back to that type of sex.

How do I become sexually present?

If you were paying attention, there is no way TO DO sexual presence but more of a way of BEING. There are things you can experiment with to start experiencing it. Such as looking your partner in the eyes for prolong periods of time while having sex. Really taking the time to enjoy touching and being touched rather than just trying to give each other orgasms. Putting your pleasure first and letting your partner handle their own. This allows for both partners to eliminate the stress of having to sexually please the other person, while still enjoying seeing the other person enjoy themselves during sex. 

Another obstacle with having sexual presence is that it creates and intense and profound connexion with our partner. This is where our difficulty with sexual presence anxiety comes into play. 

Sexual presence anxiety

The sexual intensity that we feel with sexual presence is for most difficult to tolerate at first, as we are not used to it. It takes a couple of tries before we are completely comfortable with being connected to this degree. It creates more attachment towards our partner which can be exhilarating, but also very scary. It is scary because the more a person becomes important to us, the more we have to lose when we inevitably end the relationship either because of major disagreements or one of the partner's death. It is, therefore, easier to just keep the emotional distance with our partner and focalise on sexual performance. 

Will you risk it?

Sexual performance is a natural step in sexuality that we all go through. We experience sex the first time with that in mind and it allows to build some form of sexual confidence. We have to keep in mind though that it has its limits and it will inevitably lead to sexual insatisfactions if we stay in this dynamic in the long run. It eventually loses its initial attraction and doesn't make sense after many years with a partner. Sexual presence is the next step in our sexuality that we often forget but will catch up with us often after sexual difficulties in our relationship and sex. 

It is now up to you to decide if you desire to explore this new option that is available. It is important to know that sexual presence requires working on one's self and our relationship. It will make you feel strong emotions that can be enjoyable or unpleasant about yourself and your spouse. We must acquire a certain dose of patience to fully enjoy sexual presence. Do not hesitate to consult a sexologist & psychotherapist if you need help achieving your new sex life. 

Learn more about the author

Francois Renaud M.A.

Sex therapist & psychotherapist in Downtown Montreal

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Sexual Performance Will Destroy Your Sexual Satisfaction

Break down the barriers that ruin sex

Technically boring

We all want to be sexually good in bed. We want to prove to our sexual partner's that we are good and to know that they want more sex with us. We perpetuate this idea in the media, with our friends and even in our families with jokes and quotes about sex. One of the worst insults is being told that we suck in bed...or wherever else you enjoy doing it. 

Sexual performance, though, brings its load of baggage as it creates sexual boredom through routine sex. Since we want to please others so much in sex, we won't really change our techniques that we know work. When something works in sex, we tend to use it abusively to the point where even if it doesn't work, we still go at it the same way. 

That, my friends, is when sex becomes too technical and mechanical which brings redundancy and platitudes. Sex becomes a chore that we must accomplish rather than a game between two sexual charged up people. We exchange orgasms where both partners masturbate into each other to find some semblance of sexual satisfaction. Do you recognize yourself?

Getting rid of orgasms

Orgasms are absolutely GREAT! (As Tony the tiger used to say). They are exhilarating and explosive in our bodies. But if we put it into perspective they last between 6 to 8 seconds in length, sometimes more but very infrequently. We have socially constructed orgasms as the epitome of sexuality and the last HOURRA before the end. To the point where it has become for many the only criteria to determine if sex was good or not. No orgasm, no fun, no sexual satisfaction!

If we consider that a sexual activity lasts between 5 to 20 minutes from the beginning to the end, including flirting and all of it. Is it really fair to judge your sexual satisfaction on merely 8 seconds of intense bodily sensations? The other 292 to 192 seconds must not have been that enjoyable if you answered yes to the last question. 

Fewer orgasms, more satisfaction

What if we changed the sexual paradigm of having the most orgasms possible to obtaining the most sexual pleasure. We would already be making sex better. A lot of people confuse the two as one and the same. That orgasm equals pleasure and vice versa. Which seems like a narrow-minded way of perceiving sex. Orgasms are just a bodily function of sex that demonstrates your physical capacity to stimulation. 

We put sometimes so much effort into getting or giving an orgasm that we don't even take notice at all the sexual pleasure that we can offer ourselves DURING sex. That is also why orgasms take so much importance in our relationships. It becomes the only point where we do have some semblance of fun during sex or masturbation.

Next time you have sex or masturbate, try to be conscience about what you are thinking and focusing on while you are doing it. 

• Where are your thoughts going during sex with a partner or yourself?
• What do you think about or focus on?
• What emotions do you feel?
• Where is your focus and what do you do with it?

• What importance does your sexual pleasure take?
• Are you connected to the various sensations of your body?
• How do you react when your sexual arousal diminishes (less lubrification or loss of erection)?

• What importance does you partner's pleasure take?
• Are you sometimes too focused on theirs rather than yours?
• Do you feel selfish if you do think of yours?
• Is there's more important than yours? 

• What happens and how do you feel if your partner doesn't get an orgasm?
• Do you need to have penetration to consider that you had sex or for it to be considered complete?

We do not give orgasms to our partner...we give them to ourselves

We like to tell ourselves that we give orgasms to our partner. The more we do, the better we feel about ourselves. It validates that we are good sexual partners and we feel sexually competent as well as confident, but only temporarily. More often than not, we are looking to get our egos rubbed the right way during sex rather than our genitals. In reality, we do not give our partner's an orgasm, but we accompany them towards it. Although, that doesn't help our ego to see things that way, when we aren't the ones actually giving them. 

Like most people, women as much as men, we find ourselves in a sexual performance where we want to prove to ourselves that we are sexually capable. When everything works properly (reaching an orgasm), we are reassured and our sexual ego is flattered.  So most people will put much of their focus on reaching and giving orgasms to be reassured. When it becomes more difficult or even impossible as it often happens in a relationship, we start to doubt our sexual competency or blame the other for it when our own self-esteem isn't very strong.

So, rather than take pleasure during sex with our partner, we focus our attention on being performing. When that becomes too difficult, we start feeling incompetent sexually and it starts getting worse from there. We feel anxious and apprehend having sex rather than anticipate having pleasure. We fear failure and our anxiety grows to the point of creating sexual difficulties such as loss of erection, lack of lubrification, anorgasmia, pain during penetration, loss of libido, etc.)

Sometimes, we are still functional, but it doesn't mean our insecurities are not there. There are camouflaged by our "sexual success" (reaching orgasm). More often than not, people are very anxious during sex without even realizing it. 

Rub my ego and I will rub yours!

As I was saying earlier, we prefer our egos be rubbed than our genitals. Since we want our ego's to be rubbed, we want to rub our partner's ego as well. Therefore, not only do we have to deal with our own sexual insecurities, we also need to watch out for our sexual lover's insecurities. Issh! Doesn't sound like sex is that fun anymore now does it? Unfortunately, that is the case for most people. All this happens because we are in a paradigm of sexual performance. 

Signs you are in a sexual performance dynamic:

• Have you ever thought that your sexual arousal took too much time and you were afraid that the other person would be bored?
• Have you ever reassured your partner about their lack of erection or lubrification or lack of orgasm?
• Have you ever read books, articles or watched videos on sexual techniques? What were the reasons for it?

• Do you sometimes feel useless when receiving oral sex or feel that you need to offer it right after?
• Do you feel that your partner doesn't really enjoy oral sex and they are just doing it to please you?
• Have you ever done it for that reason?
• Have you ever stopped oral sex because you were feeling guilty that it was taking too long and your partner was bored?

• Do you desperately seek the G-spot or highly erogenous zones to increase sexual arousal as quickly as possible?
• Do you continue having sex when you are physically uncomfortable with your fingers, mouth or during penetration to give or obtain an orgasm?
• Are you preoccupied with the length or the frequency of your sexual relationships?
• Is the number of sexual partners you've had ever been a concern or important to you?

• Do you always do the same sexual positions to ensure that you can obtain or give an orgasm to your partner?
• Do you fear ejaculating too quickly or lose your erection or not lubricate enough during sex?
• Are entirely comfortable with your nudity in any sexual position, lighting or the face you do during sex?

Sex without sexual performance anxiety

Do you recognize yourself with the different subjects of this article? Would you like to move on to the next step in your sex life? Do you want more satisfying sex that doesn't necessarily involve just more orgasms?

1.  Focus more on being sexually present with your partner and focus more on sexual pleasure rather than arousal
2. Put aside your ego and have fun with your partner
3. Take the time so savor all the different sensations during sex, and not just the last 8 seconds of orgasm
4. Look your partner more often and longer in the eyes and take notice when you are touching or being touched
5. Let your partner deal with their own sexual insecurities, without ignoring them, but knowing they are there. 

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Getting stuck in a sexual routine: Where did my libido go?

Related articles

There is no such thing as a lack of communication: Honey...I just don't understand you

Pretending to have communication issues: Types of mind-mapping

Getting beyond communication issues: How mind-mapping makes your relationship and sex better 

Learn more about the author

Francois Renaud M.A.

Sex therapist & psychotherapist in Downtown Montreal

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Getting Beyond Communication Issues

How Mind-Mapping Makes Your Relationship and Sex Better

False communication issues

In another article, we discussed how couples create false communication issues so they could fight about that rather than the real issues in their relationship. We also discussed how we are able to do that with the different types of mind-mapping abilities that we have. We are now going to explain how we can use mind-mapping to resolves conflicts quicker and better as well as have better sex with your lover. 

Dealing with the real issues

Now that you realized that you can mind-map and that you and your partner both use it in your relationship. It is time to start being more honest with yourself and with them. This requires skills that are not thought in a class but are experienced by being in a relationship. When we fight with our partner we are naturally threatened on two fronts. Losing ourselves or losing each other. This dilemma is what perpetuates people to argue for days on end because they cannot tolerate either of those two options. 

  It is a push and pull dynamic of protecting our self and the relationship. We want to come on top and not be too damaged but also make sure that our partner still loves us afterward. Sometimes, we know what we are doing is wrong, we just don't want to allow our partner to use it against us. Which they most likely have done in the past. We want to keep the upper hand. 

How vulnerable can you be?

No one likes to be vulnerable and most perceive it as being weak. We also tend to culturally associate it with women, which could not be further away from the truth. All human beings feel vulnerability, and we all try to feel it as less as possible. Women nor men are more prone to it  or want it. We might encourage women to express their feelings more, but not their vulnerability. This is also an important difference most people mistake as being the same thing.

Vulnerability in the sense of being profoundly intimate with another person, requires a strong sense of who we are as a person (self-esteem in other words). It is our capacity to know who we are and being able to fully divulge that which we are proud of and that which we are not. It takes courage, not weakness to show our most inner "self". It also takes strength to be able to stand tall when the person you love the most uses your own vulnerability against you, which unfortunately happens too often.

Tolerating your partner's vulnerability

It is not just a question of being vulnerable, it also has to do with seeing your partner vulnerable (a.k.a. not what you want them to be). When people open up about who they are, it makes people uneasy and question themselves. It reflects your own vulnerability whether you wanted to or not. So when a partner brings things up that we were not ready or wanted to hear, we want them to backtrack. Mind-mapping abilities come into play at this point. When someone is vulnerable, our mind-mapping abilities are at full capacity. We are mind-mapping our partner and ourselves. We might want to mind-mask ourselves or implement a false belief into our partner to eject from the situation.

Calming yourself down

Vulnerability isn't fun to live through and we would rather be doing anything else at that moment. Learning to calm ourselves down during those moments is when you can truly connect with your partner. You see them and they see you and as much as it can bring people closer it can also push them away. We are overwhelmed by the intensity of the connexion we have and we want to stay in it as much as we want to push away. We are utterly naked in this confined space with each other and it makes us human and fragile yet strong all at the same time. 

Learning to tolerate the discomfort changes your "self" to a degree that communication skills will never achieve. You must mind-track yourself and your partner as well as avoid mind-masking. When you feel the emotions come up, try to let them be. Sometimes we will feel a knot in our stomach we want to suppress or we want to push down the tingling ball we feel in our throat. Through hardship comes a deep understanding of ourselves and accepting who we are and our partner for being themselves.

Moving from conflict towards intimacy

When we let mind-mapping be part of our relationship, we allow for connection with the other person and we fight differently and about different things. Being vulnerable in a conflict makes us desirable to our partner. If we can acknowledge that it took courage to do it, we can admire the resilience and strength it took.  It can even encourage the other to do the same. Mutual respect for self and our lover starts growing and this is what creates sexual desire in a relationship and meaningful sex. 

Best sex of your life

Mind-mapping sex makes the best kind of sex. You let yourself be completely connected with one another and you are not putting energy into hiding yourself by mind-masking. You are just letting yourself go completely and utterly to the moment with your partner. Nobody needs to hide and you are letting each other feel fully all the intensity and (sexual) emotions that come with having a sexual RELATIONSHIP. 

You are not just exchanging orgasms or masturbating into each other like most people do when having sexual activities. You are looking at each other in the eyes and you take the time to feel every inch of skin you are exploring at that moment. You want to be seen and to see the other as who you are at your core. There is nothing more liberating than mind-mapping sex!

More than just gooey emotions

Let's not mistake this only for lovey dovey sex, which can be absolutely great to have. The type of sex we are talking about is sexually charged up and passionate. It is not just an emotional connexion, but a sexual one. You can have this connexion in a one night stand if you want. It only requires that you let yourself be vulnerable with a complete stranger. Although, a more deep and profound connexion can be built upon in a long term relationship. It tends to give it more significance, therefore, allows it to be more intense in nature.

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Related articles

There is no such thing as a lack of communication: Honey...I just don't understand you

Pretending to have communication issues: Types of mind-mapping

Learn more about the author

Francois Renaud M.A.

Sex therapist & psychotherapist in Downtown Montreal

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Pretending to Have Communication Issues

Types of Mind-Mapping

Lack of Communication: A Pretend Fairytale

In another article,  I described  that there is no such thing as a lack of communication in a couple and that we have the ability to mind-map each other. This segment will go deeper into the different types of mind-mapping abilities we are capable of.  

Quick Recap: What is Mind-Mapping?

Mind-mapping is our ability to understand other people's intentions and desires as well as moods and emotions through their body language, their attitudes and their tone of voice. Most people pretend they don't have this ability because it allows us to get what we want and be less vulnerable in our relationships. It also permits to argue about "nonexistent communication issues" rather than the real problems in the relationship, therefore avoiding break-ups. Mind-mapping also plays a crucial role in sex and how we go about having it with our spouse.

Types of Mind-Mapping Abilities

There are 4 different types of mind-mapping that we can use in social interactions. Each one requires the last to be able to do the next one. Therefore, there is a hierarchal element to using mind-mapping. Not everyone can use all 4 of them, but you or your partner might also be pretending you can't do it. We've mostly described the first one which is mind-tracking.

Mind-Tracking: I See You!

We are constantly looking out for other people's motives and intentions when they speak or behave. This is how we can finish people's thoughts and know where they are going before they finish their train of thought. We analyze our partner's body language such as where they are looking, how their hands and legs are open or closed, what posture they are taking. This is the basics of mind-mapping that everyone has. This is how you detect if someone is being truthful or lying or misdirecting the conversation. This allows for empathy and understanding of our spouse's emotions as well. It allows you to know when your partner says: "I'm fine...". And you know that it isn't true. 

One might think that if we are all able to do this, then wouldn't relationships be easy and people would just get along. Why would couples argue so much if we can understand each other so well? The answer is that we don't always like what we understand from each other. Sometimes it's because we don't like being vulnerable or that our lover knows things we want to hide. But if we can mind-track, how can we hide things from each other, you say? This is where mind-masking comes into play and complicates things a little bit. 

Mind-Masking: You Can't See Me!

Mind-masking is developed when we learn it from other people, mostly family dynamics. We understand at a young age that there are things we can do, say and think, but other times we cannot. We learn in most societies and social interactions that vulnerability is a flaw that we must hide. Mind-masking allows partners to lie to each other without the other person knowing they are. It also works when we want to pretend that we are not having pity sex (sex to avoid conflicts or hurting partner). Mind-masking is commonly known as the poker face!

This ability to mind-mask from others who are tracking us is a deceptive behaviour that we use to avoid conflicts that are getting too intense or when we want to get away with something we did. We've all done it before. You do something that has crossed the line and you know your partner won't like it. So you play dumb and pretend you didn't know it would bother them. A classic example is one partner isn't feeling well, but they don't want to talk about it so they put on a happy face. They pretend to have an orgasm or they hide their frustration or disappointment from their spouse. 

A typical mind-masking behaviour when it comes to sex is when a partner starts to flirt with the other and they pretend not to understand what the other wants: To have sex. This leads us to the third mind-mapping ability which is false belief implanting.

False Belief Implanting: You Think you can see me!

I know, I know, this is getting confusing and a bit diseasing. Most likely you are following me because you have the abilities that are being discussed in this article. You've either done it yourself before or you are thinking of ways your partner has been doing similar things. Now if you can think of situations where your partner has mind-masked, then you are also able to do it and most likely have done it in the past.

False belief implanting is pretty self-explanatory. It's when you can make your spouse think something is true when it isn't. Such as you not being able to mind-track or mind-mask them. You implement the idea and they believe you. It now becomes part of your relationship dynamic, such as pretending you both don't understand each other or that you have "communication issues".  Men who have the nice guy syndrome are very good as implementing the idea that they are nice, when it reality they are not. Women do it all the time as well. Whether you're a heterosexual, homosexual, transsexual or lesbian couple, you will most likely find false belief implanting dynamics.

So many times in therapy, I have a couple where one of the partners has a lower sexual desire than their spouse. They have sex even when they don't have the desire for it because they don't want to say no again just to have their partner get angry for the 77th time about their sexual desires not being met. 

The partner with the higher sexual desire will blatantly lie in the therapy session saying they didn't know that the other wasn't that into it. Only to have them confess minutes or sessions later, depending on how long they want to keep the false belief implanted, that they knew this all along. They justify their actions by explaining they wouldn't have gotten what they wanted otherwise. 

The next mind-mapping ability is the most twisted of them all. So much so that it actually has the name for it: Mind-twisting

Mind-Twisting: You'll Wish You Didn't See Me!

Still intrigued, are we? How far have you and your spouse fallen into to the downward cycle of Normal Marital Sadism? There are people who will go far to keep the upper hand in their relationship. Who will manipulate to the point where they must crush or make their partner's feel bad about themselves so they don't have to own up to their mistakes and faults. This may sound scary, but unfortunately and frequently long term couples do fall prey to the temptation of mind-twisting.

Mind-twisting requires all three previous mind-mapping abilities to be able to pull it off. You must mind-track your partner, mind-mask yourself and implant the false belief into the other person. The twisting part comes when you are able to conclude the conflict by making your spouse believe that it was all their fault in the first place when in reality your the one who is in the wrongdoing. 

Now this type of behaviour cannot be solved by communication skills. No amount of sentences starting with "I" will save this relationship from self-imploding. Fortunately, there are ways you can get out of this. Therapy with a trained professional such as a sex therapist and psychotherapist can help you. It will require lots of self-confrontation and a hard look at the status of your relationship and your spouse. This is no small feat and will shatter your perception of your relationship. This will test your capacity to hold onto yourself and strengthen your emotional balance and create a collaborative alliance with your partner rather than having no alliance. This will push your limits which you didn't know existed to bring yourself and your lover to another level in your relationship. 

Will you take the plunge?

Ending note

Mind-mapping doesn't seem like a very useful ability to help couples in their relationships. It can seem as though it creates mistrust and cruel behaviours between people who at the basis are supposed to love each other. That is all true! But mind-mapping is also the way we are capable of connecting on a deeper more profound level with our partner. It makes sex way better than just exchanging orgasms with another person.

It is all a matter of how we decide we want to use mind-mapping. Do we want to be vulnerable and connected with each other or do we want to protect our ego and vanity? You can only choose one of those two options, which is why so many couples hurt each other through mind-mapping rather than connect with one another.

Want to know more?

Getting beyond communication issues: How mind-mapping makes your relationship and sex better

Previous article

There is no such thing as a lack of communication: Honey...I just don't understand you

Learn more about the author

Francois Renaud M.A.

Sex therapist & psychotherapist in Downtown Montreal

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Recommended articles

Getting stuck in a sexual routine: Where did my libido go?

There is no such thing as a lack of communication

Honey...I just don't understand you!

Everyone says it, nobody gets its!

How many times have you said or heard couples or even therapists saying how communication in a relationship is key? A million times I suppose. What if I told you communication is rarely if not ever the problem people face in relationships. Would you be surprised? Confused? Intrigued? Angry?

Saying it isn't the problem

People have no issues communicating what they want,  even if they don't verbally say it out loud. Have you ever heard that communication passes mainly by body language and not verbal words? Communication without body language would be bland, boring and barely comprehensible.  Well, our capacity to read each other through body language is our ability to mind-map each other.

It is a skill we all develop at the age of four years old in a spontaneous manner and it becomes mature at the age of eleven. It is our primal instincts to interpret and understand other people through body language, their tone of voice and their attitudes.  So even if your partner isn't verbally saying things, you are still strongly capable of determining what their desires or intentions might be. 

Now, I am not saying we can mind read, but we have a lot of clues as to our spouse's moods of the moment. If we didn't have this skill, we would never have sex, flirting would be absolutely impossible and you would never be able to have any type of connection with other people. 

Here are a couple of examples you might relate to:

1) Your spouse comes back from work and you feel that they are upset. Just image how that would look like without them even saying a word. 

2) Your partner is feeling flirtatious and they would like to have sex with you. Again, without saying anything, they are able to transmit to you their intentions and desires. What does that look to you if you picture it?

3) You are at a family dinner and they say something embarrassing or inappropriate and you want to communicate to them to quit it, without saying a peep. How would you go along doing it?

Are you starting to catch my drift? Well, that is also your capacity to mind-map. We also have an ability to predict where people are going with what they are saying, even though it is written down. Now I could give you some bogus explanation on human evolution and how it was used to save our butts from predators, but that is not important. What is significant is that you have the ability to mind-map. 

So what am I suppose to do with this mind-mapping ability you say?

It is pretty simple. STOP PRETENDING YOU DON'T HAVE IT! So many couples come into my office saying that they don't understand each other and they lack communication skills or that they don't communicate. That's when I have to refrain myself from having a little smile knowing full well that it isn't the case, yet they want to implement that idea in the therapy. That is another mind-mapping ability called implanting false beliefs. Which we will get to in another article. 

Most people don't want their spouse to know that they can actually mind-map them. It allows them to pretend they don't know what the other wants or that they don't understand them when in reality they do. This serves many purposes in relationships that tend to be destructive. When we pretend that we don't understand our partner's desires and intentions it gives us excuses to avoid doing things that we don't want to do. Like having sex! Being nice or emotionally available for them.

Have you ever kissed your partner wanting to show them you wanted to heat things up and get funky? Then only to receive those duck kisses that let you hang dry (the situation can also be reversed). That is when the partner later says: I didn't understand that you wanted sex, it wasn't clear! This allows avoiding the "I don't want sex with you" discussion and putting the blame on the other person for not communicating properly what they wanted. If you had to choose between telling your partner you don't desire them or arguing about how you both communicate. Which one would you choose? Most people would take the latter option.

Sex and mind-mapping

Mind-mapping also plays a huge role during sex. This sets the mood and tone of your sexual relationship that you are about to have. The way you kiss, touch and what you do will be determined by mind-mapping. Rethink about your last sexual encounter. How did you know when to move on from kissing to touching genitals? How did you know it was time to penetrate or have oral sex? Have you ever felt that your partner wasn't that into it or really was hot for you? If you are capable of understanding the flow and movement of sexual activities, then you can mind-map. Not that anyone doesn't have the ability anyways! Now are you still going to pretend that your spouse and yourself don't communicate well?

 Understanding, just disagreeing

When people come in therapy saying they have "communication issues"; what they are really saying is: I don't agree with you and I want you to change your mind ASAP. Sometimes, they want the therapist to change their lover's mind. It is easier saying that we don't understand each other when in reality we perceive things differently from our spouse. We have difficulty in our relationships when we are faced with a partner who doesn't want the same things as us. We can take it personally and feel unimportant to them. It can break our perception of who they are as a person. It doesn't validate our point of view, which obliges us to confront them. It confronts us to making tough life decisions that we may not want to deal with.

Can we not agree to disagree?

Nope, you may not! When it comes to negotiating our values, our principles, and our integrity, we cannot agree to disagree. You are faced with constant dilemmas in a relationship where you have to choose between what you want and what your partner wants which more often than not, will not necessarily be the same. You cannot have sex and not have it at the same time. You cannot spend money and save it for later. You cannot clean the house and not clean it. You cannot go to your in-laws at the same time that you stay at home. 

When we tend to disagree on numerous things in relationships, that's when the infamous "communication issues" start to arise. Sex, cleaning, in-laws, money and educating the kids are the general subjects we argue the most about. Others are also possible. They touch our most profound values and integrity, which no one wants to lose. 

How to get out of this never-ending cycle?

Like I said earlier: "STOP PRETENDING YOU DON'T HAVE MIND-MAPPING ABILITIES". This will allow you and your partner to stop arguing about something that doesn't exist and discuss the real issues at hand. Be honest about what you want and the fact that you know what your partner wants, but that you just don't want to give it to them. This will end the none sense bickering about the "I already told you this before" and the "how come you still don't understand". Take into consideration that you are not the only one who has made sacrifices in the relationship. That all your needs and desires will not and cannot all be answered. Stop avoiding the hard truths of your relationship and have the conversation with your partner. You will only appreciate each other more for being fully honest about who you are and what you want. 

This can lead you to separation, but mostly it makes you a better person by being more understanding which tends to bring people closer not further apart. Knowing you can mind-map and that you are being mind-map changes the game in a relationship. It is up to you to decide how you want to play from now on. 

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Pretending to have communication issues: Types of mind-mapping

Getting Beyond Communication Issues: How Mind-Mapping Makes Your Relationship and Sex Better

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Francois Renaud M.A.

Sex therapist & psychotherapist in Downtown Montreal

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Getting stuck in a sexual routine

Where did my libido go?

The routine that kills!

We all know it, sexual routine tends to kill desire. After a few years, we get tired of having sex with the same person, the same way & being able to predict the next move from your partner. We all know the mantra: "We must add variety to our sex life if we want to continue having it"

What does it mean to add variety to our sex life?

Yeah...that isn't very clear for a lot of people. Do we have to buy sex toys or do Christian Grey stuff (50 shades of Grey)? Buy a Kama Sutra book and stretch before sex? Do we change rooms? Do it in public or get out the whipped cream? And what if you don't want to do any of those things? Are we doomed to never have sex again?

We can certainly do some of those things to get our genitals going a bit in the bedroom. Although,  that is like turning the TV on its side and watching a movie for the 250th time...we can all understand that it is the same film on the screen. We know the ending, the surprises, the jokes and the explosions before they even happen. Nothing surprises us or gives us real joy for what is coming next.

Changing rooms or adding sexual positions to your repertoire or integrating sex toys to your sex life will not make it more passionate and enjoyable. It can bring a bit of variety, but it will not last long over time if it is the only thing you do to add variety.

So, what are we suppose to do?

Too many times in my office, I see couples who throw themselves at changing things rapidly in their sexual behaviour, that has little to no significance in depth. They want quick and effective solutions without the effort on their part. But, isn't that where you would want to put some effort? Isn't it important to give importance and time to your partner if you don't want to take them for granted? Would you not want them to take care of you, your relationship and your sexuality together?

But, sex and desire are supposed to be natural!

Well, not really actually! There is nothing natural about sex. We are not born "Sex Bombs" (as Tom Jones used to say), we become one. Think about your first sexual relationship. Were you confident, charming, competent, natural and seductive the first time? Did you know how to kiss properly in your teen years? Probably not! Our first times are awkward, embarrassing, full of uncertainties and insecurities. Over time, we become better at it and gain confidence. Eventually, we hit the wall of sexual incompetence...again. Tadaah! This is where the next phase of your sex life begins.

Changing the paradigm of sexuality

You certainly know what sexual performance is right? This is what makes sex satisfying and energizing. Being with a partner who knows what they are doing and has the proper techniques is a sure shot for success in bed. This formula works for the first few months or years to increase sexual arousal at its highest and it is the quickest way possible to orgasm. Although, it is exactly this way of having sex that kills sexual desire

When we aim for sexual performance, we do what we know works to reach orgasm. Touch here, touch there and BOOM, you get an orgasm. Other times, you retouch here, you retouch there...and peeewwww...Nothing really happens. This happens over months and years where there are ups and downs, but sexual satisfaction is on a constant drop.  

This is where sexual routine starts in long term relationships. When the objective is to sexually arouse yourself and your partner, we use formulaic approaches in a repetitive manner with small variations that slowly but surely work less over time. This creates anxiety and insecurities because we feel incompetent, undesirable and nervous when we have sex. Nothing to get your sex drive high.

Erections are harder to obtain or are half soft, lubrification is less abundant, orgasms are rarer or none existent. Desire and passion are being drained out of the relationship because sexual satisfaction isn't part of sex anymore. Spontaneity and surprises are far and few and seduction is very rare. We sometimes desperately try again with the same formula hoping to get different results.

Sexual connexion & presence 

What really brings change and variation to sex is your capacity to change the tone and dynamic of the relationship during your lovemaking. If we introduce sex toys but we keep the same attitude, with the same anxieties and our sexual performance mantra; we are making love the same way, except that we have a piece of plastic in our hands. If you change the eye contact you have, your touch, your intention and the manner in which you flirt with the other person you are bringing sex to another level. You are changing the relationship you have with your partner!

• Do you look your partner in the eyes during sex? (1 minute or more)
• How do you feel connected to your partner during sex?
• What do you think about while having sex? What is your internal dialogue during sex, from start to finish?
• When does sex start for you? (Flirting, kissing, being naked, penetration, oral sex)
• When does it end?
• How do you flirt and create sexual desire in yourself and your partner?
• What type of variations do you bring while flirting? While having sex?

• How would you describe your sexual style? (intense, horny, soft, tender, affectionate, funny, playful, genitally oriented, passionate, emotional, loving, flamboyant, etc.)
• How would you describe your partner's style?

•  What makes sex satisfying according to you? ( orgasm, presence with the other person, length, rigidity of the penis, intensity of the connexion, letting go, emotional fusion with the other, etc.)
• What makes sex satisfying according to your partner?
• What makes you sexually attractive as a sexual partner? (Why would people want to have sex with you?) 

• What do you like in your partner sexually?
• What do they like about you sexually?
• What do you like the least?
• Do you ever talk about it? Why or why not?
• What do they least prefer in you during sex?
• Have you ever talked about it? Why or why not?

Killing the routine!

Sexuality isn't just a question of backflips and introducing the funkiest of behaviours, although it can be very interesting at times. It is a sexual RELATIONSHIP with the other person. This connexion can be affectionate and/or sexual. When we take the time to feel and take pleasure to all our sensations of our bodies, our connexion and presence to the other person rather than trying to perform...variety becomes easier to integrate into sex. 

Learn more about the author

Francois Renaud M.A.

Sex therapist & psychotherapist in Downtown Montreal

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Revenge: The Ugly Side of Infidelity

What brings out the worst in people

What can having an affair mean about a relationship

In my last article, we talked about learning from an infidelity, which looked at understanding what had brought on the affair in the first place and how it was related to the relationship. When you take the time to question yourself on how you contributed to the relationship issues, whether you cheated on your spouse or you were cheated on, you can start repairing what had already been broken.

It was briefly mentioned how partners can neglect and betray each other in a relationship in other ways than being unfaithful. In a relationship, we have unwritten rules and expectations from each other that we rarely if ever talk about. When they are not clear, it can lead to many dissatisfactions surrounding the relationship and then partners tend to take it out on their spouse's when they feel that they've been wronged concerning their expectations.

Take the time to reflect on what exactly were yours at the beginning of the relationship and what are they now. Have they changed? Does your partner know about them? Do you know and understand theirs? Did you just assume they had the same as yours? Do you feel you have been taking care of them? If not, why did you neglect them? Does your partner take care of yours?

Entitlement

As humans, people tend to feel entitled to certain things in a relationship even though they don't even do their own part. When we feel that our partner must answer certain demands of ours without even considering if they want to or can, this creates a lot of frustration. When we feel that our partner has neglected some of our expectations, we can sometimes be compelled to get revenge and just be mean to each other. Sometimes, we will neglect their expectations and demands because we want to punish them. Eventually, you end up with 2 people constantly punishing each other for the lack of effort each of them puts into the relationship. 

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Wanting sex and not getting any

Let's give an example of how entitlement and our expectations lead to hurt feelings and bruised egos. Sally wants more sex than Kim who has always been the partner with lower sexual desire. Sally feels that sex is something that couples are supposed to do in order to be happy. Kim wants quality time and to have shared responsibility concerning the kids and the housework. When one of them doesn't get what they want, they don't give back what the other one expects. Eventually, each partner builds up frustrations, feelings of entitlement, resentment and the seed of revenge is slowly and painfully making its way into the core of the relationship dynamic. Both partners feel hurt that the other one isn't taking care of them, but neither is willing to give out first because their egos would have to take a hit. 

Revenge is sweet but ultimately bitter

Even though revenge for most people is seen as a bad thing, it doesn't take away the instant satisfaction you get out of doing it. Most people will deny that they have this tendency but rarely do people not have the knee-jerk reaction to use it when they feel they've been taken advantage of. Admitting that we do this in our relationship with our spouse is what most people would consider relationship suicide and the cause of an instant separation. If you ever do admit to it, do yourself and your relationship a favour: Do NOT pretend this is an unconscious thing! 

The thing that is hard about stopping revenge is that we actually truly enjoy it. We feel entitled to it even! When you get two spouses playing the revenge and entitlement game, you end up with a lot of hurt feelings and a very unhappy relationship. This relationship dynamic isn't always so obvious, as it can be very subtle and ultimately very hard to even perceive. 

Being vengeful by having an affair

The subtleness of entitlement and revengefulness in couples is what can lead sometimes to be unfaithful. One partner might just use this reasoning to go seek elsewhere what they wanted from their relationship all along and that they feel has been neglected. All the while knowing, that it was done out of spite to their partner. You might be thinking that this is a monstrous way to look at relationships and people. I would absolutely agree, but it is also the way you can bring the best out of people. As David Schnarch, so clearly says: "the best in us brings out the worst in us because the worst in us denies its own existence". 

Confronting our own inner demons

When partners in a relationship individually decide to face the horrors they have been putting themselves and their spouse through is when the real change can begin. When we deny what we purposely do to our spouse out of revenge and entitlement, we create an even worst dynamic where we perpetuate the myth that we are just not capable of being a better person. 

ARE YOU WILLING TO FACE YOURSELF IN FRONT OF YOU PARTNER?

Learn more about the author

Francois Renaud M.A.

Sex therapist & psychotherapist in Downtown Montreal

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