How to stop being jealous?

Put An End to the Suffering

Jealousy is an emotion which we do not control, but that we have the power to manage. Some people have excessive jealousy that has important impacts in their different relationships whether they be professional, social, friendly or sexual. On the other hand, some only have issues in one of theses types of relationships. Since jealousy can influence multiple aspects of our lives and each have a variety of dynamics that differ, we will be focusing more on sexual and loving jealousy.

Impacts of jealousy on couple's relationships

It isn't necessary to have excessive jealousy for the couple to have difficulties with the matter. Jealousy always emanates from insecurities from the person who feels it, but will blame others to justify their behaviours. This creates conflicts about trust, unjustified accusations, interrogations, an excessive need to be reassured of the other persons loyalty and limiting someone's freedom. Certain people or couples will even go as far as try to limit the other persons thinking by demanding they do not fantasize about other people than them as they would consider it cheating or just feel bad about it. They can limit the other persons social activities and who they can hang out with to maintain the potential of infidelity as low as possible. Theses examples are even more frequent when both partners are jealous. 

These restrictions demonstrate that their is a lack of self-esteem and trust towards one's partner that will have dire consequences in the long run if the couple remains together. Eventually, the partners don't feel they have freedom in the relationship and they eventually can't stand it anymore, even though they might both be imposing their jealousy on the other. Inevitably, fights will start to emerge more and more about this issue and others more or less related so as to jeopardize the false harmony they originally thought they had. There are couples who maintain a relationship in this type of dynamic. Although, you have to ask yourself if you are truly happy? How happy can you be when you are feeling constantly insecure about your partner's whereabouts and who they hang out with? Do you feel free to do what you would like, without having to ask your partner's permission? How do you appreciate the feeling of constantly being monitored by your partner and having to do the same?

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Jealousy will eventually create dissatisfaction for one or both partners. Jealousy can decrease one's sexual desire and affection for the other if the jealousy and the consequences pile up. The partner who isn't jealous will not want to reassure the other continuously, will get fed up about the interrogations, they will start lying to get the illusion that they have freedom. For most people, the feeling of constantly having to reassure the other persons insecurities takes a toll on the admiration of the other and pity tends to replace it.

How to stop jealousy?

Jealousy is an emotion that makes us suffer and it can be quite hard to manage. We more often prefer to get rid of it than to explore its origins, because the exploration of its origins leads to things that we prefer to remain blind to ourselves about our personalities. Jealousy is not only a destructive force for our relationships, but also ourselves. It feeds on us from the inside to be exteriorized by nefarious behaviours in our relationship. First off, like any other interpersonal difficulty, we must take responsibility for what we contribute to the dynamic. We must stop putting the blame on our partner and confront our own fears and insecurities about the issue. We must accept and recognize our own personal value as a person and a partner in the relationship. We must learn to validate ourselves and self-soothe rather than constantly ask our partner to do it. This task is difficult and requires some time to master, especially since humans are more easily capable of being hurt and insulted, as well as rejected than remembering compliments and signs of affection and love. A jealous person tends to need to be constantly reassured and validated by their lover rather than doing it themselves.

Jealous behaviours exist primarily to seek out a sense of love from our partner. In fact, a person with low self-esteem needs to constantly be reassured of the love from others. They will sometimes use inadequate and harmful ways to obtain this false sense of love and affection from others. When we are validated and appreciated by others this temporarily soothes are insecurities. In the long run, this can have negative impacts on the couple who want to be satisfied on a personal, relational and sexual level. Couples where both partners are capable of validating themselves by acknowledging their own value, faults and their partner's will avoid the suffering emotion of jealousy. 

Recognizing our strengths and accepting our weaknesses is a very hard task for some. It may sometimes require the help of a sexologist in therapy. Here a a fews reflexions to have about your relationship dynamic:

• What do you bring to your relationship and your partner?
• What does your partner appreciate from you?
• What makes you feel insecure and impacts your jealousy?
• What are the ways you self-valide to feel good about yourself?
• How could you better manage your jealousy?

Many false perceptions and beliefs about relationships can create difficulties with jealousy. First, we must understand that we cannot answer all our partner's needs and vice versa. It is unrealistic to believe that, as some needs must be fulfilled by oneself or other people such as family, friends, work, etc. This reality is hard for many as it requires that we are not the ONE & ONLY, UNIQUE person in our partner's life. This search of feeling profoundly unique in someone else's eyes creates an expectation that is only bound to create frustration and resentment. In the case where this perception and expectation is destroyed by the realities of being in a relationship, behaviours of jealousy arise to try to maintain our false belief about being unique. People who are jealous have a hard time accepting this fact about relationships. It is undeniable that lovers do bring unique elements to each other, but it is an error to think that we can answer every single need our partner has as well as our own.

What to remember

Jealousy brings lots of distress in a couple, and endangers its stability as well as sexual and personal satisfaction. Jealous behaviours are to be avoided at all cost:

By recognizing our own qualities and accepting our shortcomings; 

By mainly validating ourselves rather wait for our partner to do it;

By having realistic expectations and perceptions of our partner, ourselves and relationships.  

People who want to live a satisfying relationship and sex life must work on all aspects of their jealousy to overcome the inevitable downfall of the relationship. This self-healing will only make you feel better about yourself and to be more appreciated by your partner. 

To be able to love another person, one must first learn how to love oneself in every aspect.  

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Francois Renaud M.A.

Sex therapist & psychotherapist in Downtown Montreal

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Fidelity & Jealousy

Importance of defining fidelity in your couple

Fidelity is defined as the respect of an agreement with another person. In most loving relationships, there exist a form of fidelity between partners, even in polyamory. Although, what one person thinks is adultery, the other person might not, as the confines of fidelity are wide and large. We can even change our own perception of it as we grow older and we perceive alternate ways of being in our relationship. 
The continuum of behaviours that is considered adultery is long and the combinations are endless. Certain individuals consider that fantasizing on another person than their partner is cheating, while others require penetrative sex for it to be cheating. Others will need an emotional attachment, but sexual attraction is considered fine. Sometimes, fidelity isn't defined by one's behaviour but more about one's intentions. The examples that we could give are numerous and vary from one relationship to the next. 

For that reason, it is very important for couples to exchange on their perception of fidelity. An indispensable discussion that is often forgotten in serious relationships. Some will even avoid having it by fear of having different opinions that could ultimately lead to not even starting the relationship or creating an awkward moment. This can demonstrate an uneasiness about intimacy. It is also important to talk about what reactions and consequences when faced with one of the partners acting out  and cheating on the other (couples therapy, break up, acceptance, reflecting on the continuation of the relation, etc.). We can even exchange on telling each other or not about the cheating and how you and your partner would want to find out about it. This clarifies each other's points of views on the matter and determines if we agree on the implications of committing to the relationship before hand. 

Hard discussion

Fidelity touches our most fundamental values as individuals. They can remind us of very painful memories of our past about being cheated on or if we cheated on someone. This can bring back feelings of betrayal, lost and major deceptions. We can also face very different point of views by having this discussion with a new flame at the beginning of the relationship about what fidelity entails. These differences can make one of the partners insecure, generally the one that has the most restrictive definition of fidelity. It will also show how much respect each partner has towards the other person's opinion on the matter and how they will listen and understand. It shows as well, how flexible we are about our own perception of fidelity or rigidity on the matter.

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We can also assume that most couples have very similar definitions of fidelity and the discussion doesn't really create any sort of conflict between them. In situations where limits are clear, jealousy has less chance of being prevalent in the couple's dynamic. If the perceptions, behaviours, intentions and acts are respected by both parties, trust normally takes precedence in the relationship. Even though jealousy is a universal human emotion, it doesn't have any use in a healthy relationship. 

How to manage differences about fidelity

Nobody wants to be betrayed, especially by one's lover, and feel the horrible emotions that come with it. When there is a fundamental issue about what each considers fidelity, there is a real need to reflect on how the relationship will work under such conditions. Sometimes we have differences because our perception of fidelity are more based on our insecurities and lack of self-esteem than actual values. Therefore, it might be important to work on oneself about these issues. We may also want to look at what are those differences and think about which ones we can actually tolerate. What exactly are the differences? How do they make you feel? How will you react if they ever come to be? What is each partner ready to work on and change about the issue? What if you can't come to an understanding? How do you picture this relationship evolving with that reality?

Since fidelity is part of almost every loving relationship that is long term, it is of utmost importance to have a discussion on our intentions in the relationship. This discussion, even though it might be a hard one and even stop the relationship from flourishing even before it starts, often avoids meaningless fighting and feelings of jealousy. On top of that, it clarifies the commitment each partner is taking before embarking on the relationship. Unfortunately, some people may still feel jealousy even though, the partners had this discussion. 

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Francois Renaud M.A.

Sex therapist & psychotherapist in Downtown Montreal

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Jealousy: Destroyer of couples

What is jealousy?

Jealousy is define as an emotion that makes the person suffer when they are afraid that they will be replaced or cheated on by their partner when they seek exclusivity from that person. It is different than envy which is an emotion that demonstrates lust for someone else's happiness. In other words, jealousy is the fear of losing what we already have and envy is the wanting of things that we would want. The envious person is in state of lacking something who seeks to fulfill that need (envy of a kiss, a touch, of being love, of having sex, etc.). On the other hand, people who are jealous are fearful of losing a state of well being that they already have with another person. 

A Universal Feeling but Ultimately Useless!

Jealousy is a universal emotion among human beings that we have all felt one day or another. That small or very big sensation in our stomach that makes us feel uneasy, even though sometimes we wish it wasn't there. Jealousy is extremely present in loving and sexual relationships, where it can even be glamorized as something good. Although even if it is universal, jealousy is completely useless in loving relationships. We can find that there is a difference in that aspect regarding genders (Harris, 2003; Weghosrt, 19882). More specifically, men tend to be more threaten by sexual conquest of their partners, while women are more scared of losing their partner's to another lover. This tends to be changing in recent years with gender roles evolution. 

Myths On Jealousy

Proof of someone's love 

We often hear people justifying their jealousy by advocating it is a demonstration of one's love towards their partner's. First, we must make a point very clear: jealousy is not a proof of love. On the contrary, it is a lack of love for one's self. A person who feels jealous demonstrates a lack of self-confidence and imagines that they will or can be replaced when the opportunity might present itself. This implies that we consider others to be a menace to the stability of our couple. We show our worries, our fears and apprehensions when we express our jealousy in front of our partner. Inversely, a person with a high self-esteem (no-jealousy) has a feeling of security in their relationship and they demonstrate their love (seen by the satisfaction in the couple) rather than by jealousy (feeling of being insecure). 

Being Jealous Protects me From Being Cheated On

Some will explain that their jealousy protects them from been cheated on by their partners. Once again, this could not be more further from the truth. Jealousy brings interrogations, unjustified suspicions, constant surveillance and a lack of trust between partners. A perfect recipe for an unsatisfying relationship and constant bickering and fighting! These behaviors tend to push away our partner towards another person, because they become dissatisfied with the relationship with the jealous person. We can than attest that jealousy creates the worst fear and what they are trying to ultimately avoid: losing their partner to someone else. It is not unlikely that partners constantly barraged by the other's jealous behavior wants to leave the relationship and sometimes by cheating. Therefore, jealousy can sometimes cause someone to cheat. Of course, the decision remains in the hands of the one who committed the act, but nevertheless, jealous partners should consider how they might have pushed the other into their own worst fears. 

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Complete absence of jealousy demonstrates a detachment and indifference 

« I love that my partner is jealous, it demonstrates how they are concerned about me». This typical citation is as false as saying jealousy is a proof of love. Couples who seek to make their partner's feel jealous are searching to be falsely reassured about their relationship. They seek attention when they feel there is a distance being created between them. We therefore believe that our partner showing their jealousy is demonstrating attachment towards the relationship and that they aren't indifferent to us. When we think about it, there are healthier ways of demonstrating our attachment towards each other. Considering that jealousy is a feeling that makes us suffer, why would we ever want our partner to feel it in any way, shape or form and more precisely in the name of love? Sounds contradictory doesn't it...well it is! In a stable and and healthy relationship, we feel love and attachment towards each other in a good way, not by feeling insecure and scared of losing the other person, with destructive behaviors of jealousy. 

I trust my partner, I just don't trust other people

A lot of jealous people will affirm that they trust their partner, but not the people surrounding him such as friends, colleagues and the like. We imagine that our partner, if someone flirts or tries anything with them, have no other choice but to cheat. It is a strange way to think indeed. We must come quickly to the conclusion that we always have a choice in our lives to do or not to do something. If someone flirts, tries to kiss you or any other thing related to affection or sex, there is always the possibility of telling that person that we are in a committed relationship and ask them to stop. This responsibility is solely of the person who is engaged in a relationship. Our partner's are not territories we need to protect from outside intrusions. They can do that by themselves. 

We must also consider that the commitment that two partners have taken together about being loyal in the relationship is only between those two people. First of all, others might not be aware of this loyalty between you and perceives your partner as free game. Secondly, they don't have the obligation to follow the loyalty you have put forward as they never committed to it, your partner did. Thirdly, we have no control over what others do, and that includes your partner. We must therefore trust your partner that he will put the limits required by your engagement to be loyal and not commit adultery. 

If you don't trust your partner to put those limits, maybe you need to have a serious talk about it with them or reflect by yourself the importance of your commitment towards each other on that regard. A few questions to ask yourself about this issue. 

• How do you imagine your partner in a situation where they are being flirted with?
• How do they react? Do they cheat?
• How would you react in the same situation (you being flirted by someone)?
• Do you put your limits or would you cheat?

Depending on your answers to theses questions, you might have realized that you would have cheated if placed in a situation where you could do it. Sometimes, the person that is jealous is actually projecting on their partner their own desire to cheat and they need others to put limits on them so they don't cross the line. But most of the time, they restrict their partners instead to soothe their own anxieties, rather than learning to establish their limits in similar situations. 

What you need to remember

In conclusion, it is important to understand that feelings of jealousy will probably always be present in one way or another. Rarely will we see a person that is entirely confident in every aspect of their lives and never feel jealous. We all have experiences where we were hurt and made us feel bad about ourselves and it created jealousy. 

Although, what is also very important to understand is that our feelings must not decrease our relationship satisfaction because we feel insecure about ourselves. We must all learn to self-sooth our feelings and let our partner be who they are, rather than limiting each other in different aspects of your lives together. It is fundamental that you work on these issues rather than justify your jealousy as being a good thing for the stability of your couple, as it does the complete opposite of that. 

Learn more about the author

Francois Renaud M.A.

Sex therapist & psychotherapist in Downtown Montreal

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Harris, Christine. 2003. A Review of Sex Differences in Sexual Jealousy, Including Self-Report Data, Psychophysiological Responses, Interpersonal Violence, and Morbid Jealousy Personality and Social Psychology Review. Vol. 7. No. 2, 102-128.

Weghorst, Suzanne. 1982. Male Sexual Jealousy. Ethology & Sociobiology Volume 3, Issue 1, 11-27.

Female Viagra: Addyi

One giant leap backwards for female sexuality...

Women are perceived as the problem 

There exist numerous reasons as to why a person would have a lower sexual desire in a relationship. They are actually multiple in most cases and they necessitate a variety of interventions to find a solution to the situation. For a long time now, we have categorized women as the partner who loses sexual desire (libido) in a couple because men are the high desire partners due to their hormones, more specifically testosterone. We tend to notice that in sexologist offices we find as much men being the low desire partner in the couple. In fact, we even see many gay couples where either one or both partner has a lower sexual desire.

For some reason, we continue to perceive women as the gender who loses sexual desire or has less than men as a general rule in long term relationships. The reason why men and women lose their sexual desire does tend to differ though. What we are noticing more in female sexuality is a lack of interest for sexual activity, not because they have deregulated hormones or neurotransmitters or that women just have less sexual drive than men, but it is because they are sexually bored with their partner's. Women seek variety, spontaneity, newness, a sense of adventure and exploration and a context to their sex life, as well as a sexual connection (not necessarily an emotional one, but a sexual one)

When we are with the same partner for many years, it is only natural and normal to have a decrease in sexual desire, if our sexuality is redundant, routine, predictable and with a lack of effort from both partners. A decrease in sexual desire is often not the problem, but more of a symptom of our sexual and relationship dynamic that needs to be worked at. 

What about female Viagra?

For what reason this new medication won't help the majority of women who have a decrease in sexual desire? The simple answer is: it doesn't take care of the cause, buy only the symptoms. By taking this pill, that has important side effects, will only give false hope to couples that should be analysing their relationship dynamic and their sexual satisfaction. The medication might have an impact for a certain time where the motivation to have sex will increase, but the couple's sex life will remain the same. Therefore, the problem will most likely resurface in a short amount of time. No medication can help boring sex for a prolong period of time in long term relationships.

Too often, one of the partners, most of the time women, perceive sex with their partner as an obligation of the relationship to maintain the couple or to avoid conflicts. After giving and receiving multiple times pity sex, it is inevitable that the sex life of the couple will deteriorate and the relationship will also take a hard hit. 

Video about female Viagra (French)

Does this medication apply to certain women at least?

The short answer is yes...but with the following criteria:

• Stable relationship for at least a year with a man (exclusions of lesbian couples)
• Loss of sexual desire must have been obtained during the relationship
• Complete loss of sexual desire (no erotic dreams or fantasies, no desire to masturbate)
• Sexual response must be functional capacity to lubricate and reach orgasm following stimulation
• + 18 years old but not year having menopause
• Not be pregnant or breast feeding
• No psychotherapy in the last 3 months
• No medication related to mood disorders
• No suicidal thought ever in life
• No relationship difficulties
• Good reaction from partner about the decrease in sexual desire

These criteria are not about the medication that will be released in October, but of the research that studied the medication Although, we can clearly see that this medication was aimed a very few women with a particular profile with this difficulty. 

Therefore, this pill might «potentially» help certain women and couples in dealing with this sexual difficulty that we find in the majority of relationships, if and only if, the cause for the decrease in sexual desire is related to a deregulation of neurotransmitters in the female partner. 

Finally!

If you or your partner is having a decrease or lack of sexual desire, take the time to really analyse your situation and determine if you need help from a sexologist & psychotherapist or the medication or a combination of both. 

Francois Renaud M.A.

Sexologist & psychotherapist Montréal