A lack of sexual desire is good for your couple!

A Normal phase in Your Sexual Development

Sexual desire is a feeling which pushes us towards the other so that we can answer our sexual needs. People’s sex drive is activated by various factors such as  feelings of love, pleasure, masculinity, femininity, physical features, personality, etc. There is a certain evolution that exists with sexual desire that is also influenced by age and also the length of time that a couple has been together. The majority of couples start with a high level of sexual desire which solidifies the bond between the partners. This period of time is often categorized as very passionate and filled with extremely good sex. Thereafter, attachment between partners is formed, which reinforces a sense of security in the couple. It is not unusual to find a sex life stuck in a routine at this point of the relationship. In fact, a great majority of couples are in a rut when it comes to sex and one or both partners have lost their sexual desire for their lover. This phase is completely normal and to some extent desirable in a couple. 

This phase is a test, which couples must endure for the growth of the couple leading to better sex. It’s inevitable that we will eventually have learned every single sexual advance and technique our partner uses to seduce and arouse us. Moreover, sexual desire is seldom high when you can predict the sexual behaviors of your partner and the manner with which he or she initiates sex. It is thus necessary to become creative and reinvent yourself sexually with our lover. How to get out of a sex rut when you’re under the impression that you have already tried everything? 

Recognize your couple’s dynamic

First off, we should recognize that we can tend to take for granted our partner when it comes to sex. For example, asking our partner if he or she wants to have a sexual relationship right before going to sleep while your lying down on the bed, without having seduced them during the evening, doesn’t show that you’ve put a great deal of interest and effort for it. Various reasons explain our lack of creativity in our sex lives. We tend to be shy or awkward, afraid that the other will reject us or look ridiculous, etc. This consequently diminishes our self-esteem when it comes to our capacity to seduce and turn on our partner. We thus prefer to put the least effort possible to avoid getting hurt in the process. For example, a person who would use her or his major assets to seduce their partner and receives as an answer: “I don’t want to tonight!”. will be much more disappointed than the person who does nothing but ask for a sexual relationship right before they go to sleep. 

Couples who will succeed in overcoming this inevitable hardship have some characteristics to help them out. Primarily, it is necessary to be ready to take chances and to get out of our comfort zone. To be able to develop our sexual maturity, it is necessary to leave the things we do best behind and to tolerate a certain discomfort even though we will probably find some obstacles on the way. It is necessary to learn how to accept our discomfort, our awkwardness and to dare to be truly naked, in the figurative and nonfigurative sense of the term, vis-a-vis our partner. It thus requires that we integrate a higher level of intimacy which is necessarily anxiety-provoking. If one agrees to show his or her true sexual self with a partner by exposing all our sexual preferences, fantasies and our most profound sexual desires, it is necessary to tolerate that our other half will not necessarily share the same pleasures.

Getting out of our comfort zone

It requires however to understand that the introduction of innovation into our sex lives is always unilateral. Sometimes, we must push the comfort zone of our partner to reach a more mature sexuality. On the other hand, that does not mean that we must force our partner with sexual activities that he or she does not want to undertake. One must understand that the changes we bring in our sexual scenarios requires a certain effort and that we should not accept that our partner decides to stagnate in his or her sexual development. Each partner plays the crucial role of constantly pushing their own limits and comfort level when it comes to their sexuality and that of their partner. If not, it is inevitable that the quality of sex in the couple will decrease and sexual desire will disappear. 

A bit of advice!

To conclude, here are three short phrases summarizing the preceding elements:

1. If one does not GO after what they want, they’ll never have it.

2. If one never asks, the answer will always be“NO”.

3. If you do not step forward, you’ll always remain in the same place.

When you do not have any more sexual desire for your partner, seize the opportunity that arises in front of you to grow and become more mature sexually! 

Francois Renaud M.A.

Sexologist & Psychotherapist Montreal