Getting stuck in a sexual routine

Where did my libido go?

The routine that kills!

We all know it, sexual routine tends to kill desire. After a few years, we get tired of having sex with the same person, the same way & being able to predict the next move from your partner. We all know the mantra: "We must add variety to our sex life if we want to continue having it"

What does it mean to add variety to our sex life?

Yeah...that isn't very clear for a lot of people. Do we have to buy sex toys or do Christian Grey stuff (50 shades of Grey)? Buy a Kama Sutra book and stretch before sex? Do we change rooms? Do it in public or get out the whipped cream? And what if you don't want to do any of those things? Are we doomed to never have sex again?

We can certainly do some of those things to get our genitals going a bit in the bedroom. Although,  that is like turning the TV on its side and watching a movie for the 250th time...we can all understand that it is the same film on the screen. We know the ending, the surprises, the jokes and the explosions before they even happen. Nothing surprises us or gives us real joy for what is coming next.

Changing rooms or adding sexual positions to your repertoire or integrating sex toys to your sex life will not make it more passionate and enjoyable. It can bring a bit of variety, but it will not last long over time if it is the only thing you do to add variety.

So, what are we suppose to do?

Too many times in my office, I see couples who throw themselves at changing things rapidly in their sexual behaviour, that has little to no significance in depth. They want quick and effective solutions without the effort on their part. But, isn't that where you would want to put some effort? Isn't it important to give importance and time to your partner if you don't want to take them for granted? Would you not want them to take care of you, your relationship and your sexuality together?

But, sex and desire are supposed to be natural!

Well, not really actually! There is nothing natural about sex. We are not born "Sex Bombs" (as Tom Jones used to say), we become one. Think about your first sexual relationship. Were you confident, charming, competent, natural and seductive the first time? Did you know how to kiss properly in your teen years? Probably not! Our first times are awkward, embarrassing, full of uncertainties and insecurities. Over time, we become better at it and gain confidence. Eventually, we hit the wall of sexual incompetence...again. Tadaah! This is where the next phase of your sex life begins.

Changing the paradigm of sexuality

You certainly know what sexual performance is right? This is what makes sex satisfying and energizing. Being with a partner who knows what they are doing and has the proper techniques is a sure shot for success in bed. This formula works for the first few months or years to increase sexual arousal at its highest and it is the quickest way possible to orgasm. Although, it is exactly this way of having sex that kills sexual desire

When we aim for sexual performance, we do what we know works to reach orgasm. Touch here, touch there and BOOM, you get an orgasm. Other times, you retouch here, you retouch there...and peeewwww...Nothing really happens. This happens over months and years where there are ups and downs, but sexual satisfaction is on a constant drop.  

This is where sexual routine starts in long term relationships. When the objective is to sexually arouse yourself and your partner, we use formulaic approaches in a repetitive manner with small variations that slowly but surely work less over time. This creates anxiety and insecurities because we feel incompetent, undesirable and nervous when we have sex. Nothing to get your sex drive high.

Erections are harder to obtain or are half soft, lubrification is less abundant, orgasms are rarer or none existent. Desire and passion are being drained out of the relationship because sexual satisfaction isn't part of sex anymore. Spontaneity and surprises are far and few and seduction is very rare. We sometimes desperately try again with the same formula hoping to get different results.

Sexual connexion & presence 

What really brings change and variation to sex is your capacity to change the tone and dynamic of the relationship during your lovemaking. If we introduce sex toys but we keep the same attitude, with the same anxieties and our sexual performance mantra; we are making love the same way, except that we have a piece of plastic in our hands. If you change the eye contact you have, your touch, your intention and the manner in which you flirt with the other person you are bringing sex to another level. You are changing the relationship you have with your partner!

• Do you look your partner in the eyes during sex? (1 minute or more)
• How do you feel connected to your partner during sex?
• What do you think about while having sex? What is your internal dialogue during sex, from start to finish?
• When does sex start for you? (Flirting, kissing, being naked, penetration, oral sex)
• When does it end?
• How do you flirt and create sexual desire in yourself and your partner?
• What type of variations do you bring while flirting? While having sex?

• How would you describe your sexual style? (intense, horny, soft, tender, affectionate, funny, playful, genitally oriented, passionate, emotional, loving, flamboyant, etc.)
• How would you describe your partner's style?

•  What makes sex satisfying according to you? ( orgasm, presence with the other person, length, rigidity of the penis, intensity of the connexion, letting go, emotional fusion with the other, etc.)
• What makes sex satisfying according to your partner?
• What makes you sexually attractive as a sexual partner? (Why would people want to have sex with you?) 

• What do you like in your partner sexually?
• What do they like about you sexually?
• What do you like the least?
• Do you ever talk about it? Why or why not?
• What do they least prefer in you during sex?
• Have you ever talked about it? Why or why not?

Killing the routine!

Sexuality isn't just a question of backflips and introducing the funkiest of behaviours, although it can be very interesting at times. It is a sexual RELATIONSHIP with the other person. This connexion can be affectionate and/or sexual. When we take the time to feel and take pleasure to all our sensations of our bodies, our connexion and presence to the other person rather than trying to perform...variety becomes easier to integrate into sex. 

Learn more about the author

Francois Renaud M.A.

Sex therapist & psychotherapist in Downtown Montreal

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Revenge: The Ugly Side of Infidelity

What brings out the worst in people

What can having an affair mean about a relationship

In my last article, we talked about learning from an infidelity, which looked at understanding what had brought on the affair in the first place and how it was related to the relationship. When you take the time to question yourself on how you contributed to the relationship issues, whether you cheated on your spouse or you were cheated on, you can start repairing what had already been broken.

It was briefly mentioned how partners can neglect and betray each other in a relationship in other ways than being unfaithful. In a relationship, we have unwritten rules and expectations from each other that we rarely if ever talk about. When they are not clear, it can lead to many dissatisfactions surrounding the relationship and then partners tend to take it out on their spouse's when they feel that they've been wronged concerning their expectations.

Take the time to reflect on what exactly were yours at the beginning of the relationship and what are they now. Have they changed? Does your partner know about them? Do you know and understand theirs? Did you just assume they had the same as yours? Do you feel you have been taking care of them? If not, why did you neglect them? Does your partner take care of yours?

Entitlement

As humans, people tend to feel entitled to certain things in a relationship even though they don't even do their own part. When we feel that our partner must answer certain demands of ours without even considering if they want to or can, this creates a lot of frustration. When we feel that our partner has neglected some of our expectations, we can sometimes be compelled to get revenge and just be mean to each other. Sometimes, we will neglect their expectations and demands because we want to punish them. Eventually, you end up with 2 people constantly punishing each other for the lack of effort each of them puts into the relationship. 

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Wanting sex and not getting any

Let's give an example of how entitlement and our expectations lead to hurt feelings and bruised egos. Sally wants more sex than Kim who has always been the partner with lower sexual desire. Sally feels that sex is something that couples are supposed to do in order to be happy. Kim wants quality time and to have shared responsibility concerning the kids and the housework. When one of them doesn't get what they want, they don't give back what the other one expects. Eventually, each partner builds up frustrations, feelings of entitlement, resentment and the seed of revenge is slowly and painfully making its way into the core of the relationship dynamic. Both partners feel hurt that the other one isn't taking care of them, but neither is willing to give out first because their egos would have to take a hit. 

Revenge is sweet but ultimately bitter

Even though revenge for most people is seen as a bad thing, it doesn't take away the instant satisfaction you get out of doing it. Most people will deny that they have this tendency but rarely do people not have the knee-jerk reaction to use it when they feel they've been taken advantage of. Admitting that we do this in our relationship with our spouse is what most people would consider relationship suicide and the cause of an instant separation. If you ever do admit to it, do yourself and your relationship a favour: Do NOT pretend this is an unconscious thing! 

The thing that is hard about stopping revenge is that we actually truly enjoy it. We feel entitled to it even! When you get two spouses playing the revenge and entitlement game, you end up with a lot of hurt feelings and a very unhappy relationship. This relationship dynamic isn't always so obvious, as it can be very subtle and ultimately very hard to even perceive. 

Being vengeful by having an affair

The subtleness of entitlement and revengefulness in couples is what can lead sometimes to be unfaithful. One partner might just use this reasoning to go seek elsewhere what they wanted from their relationship all along and that they feel has been neglected. All the while knowing, that it was done out of spite to their partner. You might be thinking that this is a monstrous way to look at relationships and people. I would absolutely agree, but it is also the way you can bring the best out of people. As David Schnarch, so clearly says: "the best in us brings out the worst in us because the worst in us denies its own existence". 

Confronting our own inner demons

When partners in a relationship individually decide to face the horrors they have been putting themselves and their spouse through is when the real change can begin. When we deny what we purposely do to our spouse out of revenge and entitlement, we create an even worst dynamic where we perpetuate the myth that we are just not capable of being a better person. 

ARE YOU WILLING TO FACE YOURSELF IN FRONT OF YOU PARTNER?

Learn more about the author

Francois Renaud M.A.

Sex therapist & psychotherapist in Downtown Montreal

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Infidelity: Is it really the worst thing that can happen to a couple?

How to grow from an infidelity

The deep trauma of infidelity

No one wants to experience infidelity from their partner. The hurt feelings, the betrayal, the hate, the resentment, the unanswered questions, the feeling of being undesirable in their eyes, the competitiveness from the other partner. Nothing from infidelity seems to be positive and the first thing we want to do is throw them to the curb. Which is what most of your friends and family will tell you to do. For some reason, you aren't sure if you want to leave and you might even feel guilty about it. What would explain such ambivalence towards someone who profoundly hurt your feelings and broke your trust. What if this infidelity was the best thing that could happen to your sex life and relationship?

Learning from the infidelity

Now don't get me wrong! I am not and never will be pro-infidelity. It can be compared to a traumatic experience to learn that your partner betrayed you and chose egotistically to satisfy their needs with another person. Infidelity is unfortunately not that uncommon and men as well as women do it for various reasons. Those reasons is what you can learn from this terrible experience. How they answer the questions and how your partner expresses their process of becoming unfaithful is a dialogue that can bring you to have a deeper understanding of your relationship and possibly what was wrong with it. 

It is possible that the answers you receive are going to be hard to hear or sometimes even untrue. Other times, they will never satisfy your curiosity about what went on, or how or when or how many times. But, they might also make you realize that there was something lacking in the relationship or your sex life. That you might have betrayed them in other ways and never gave it a second thought.

Let's not start pointing the blame towards the person that was cheated on with this discussion. The importance is to take the time to listen on both sides about how this came to be in the relationship and maybe, how you could even repair it.

Infidelity is a very complex process that couples need to explore deeply before taking a decision

What questions should you ask?

The time of day, the number of calls, the where and the who are not questions that will alleviate the hurt feelings. Actually, they might just make it worst as they don't really bring the answers to the questions you are probably not willing to hear. A true dialogue on our partner's infidelity is one of the conversations that can be extremely confrontational and requires that we truly listen, even though, we might be the one that needs comfort and listening at that time. The questions that might bring light unto the situation are the following:

• What did you get from having sex with the other person?
• Was there anything lacking from our relationship and/or sex life?
• Did you try to talk to me about it?
• Did I listen if you did?
• How come we never talked about this before?
• What brought you to do it?
• Were you thinking of me before, during or after?
• What are you remorseful for, if you feel it at all?
• How can we mend this situation from now on?

What to do with the answers

The discussion with the questions above are most likely things you didn't want to hear about yourself or your partner. You might realize how awful of a person your partner is or just how badly you've ignored or hurt them as well. Maybe, a little bit of both. You may want to decide that after the numerous conversation on the issue, that the best thing is to leave the relationship because that is how you will keep your integrity and self-respect. You might also consider that you had a part to play in this, even though you weren't the one who made the decision to be unfaithful.  You might have ignored the signs or your responsibilities towards maintaining a fulfilling relationship and sex life. 

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Bringing back the trust

Jealousy and possessiveness

It is not uncommon that jealousy and possessiveness will rise up after being so badly wounded in our egos. We seek after being hurt, to feel secure and capable of having some form of control over the situation. It is important that this jealousy and possessiveness don't overwhelm your new dynamic after an infidelity. The partner who cheated can help by insuring the boundaries of the relationship for a while and reassure the other on their actions. It is important though, that this does not become the new norm, nor that it binds you and your partner in a prison of insecurity. 

Jealousy and possessiveness are common reasons why there is infidelity. Feeling trapped in a relationship you can't get out of is sometimes what brings one partner to jump the fence. The partner who has been cheated on must find ways to self-soothe their insecurity and build on a solid-flexible self that makes them a desirable partner to be with. By changing the dynamic in ourselves from being validated by our partner to being self-validating and feeling self-desirable makes for a strong foundation in a couple. 

Recognizing the hurt and remorse

The partner who cheated is often times not remorseful of having been unfaithful, but of hurting their partner. When they were having the affair, they felt alive, desirable and awake. Rarely does someone regret that. Showing true remorse for what we did, demonstrates that we still care about our partner even though we hurt them deeply. The one who had the affair needs to now deal with being the one who has created such pain. You can't hurt someone by your actions that you knew would hurt if they found out and then asking them not to talk about it. The person who cheated must face the consequences of his actions and have a mirror of the devastation they created. 

It is important to note that the one of was cheated on must have the space to talk and process their pain and not just use that time to attack and play the victim towards the other. Coming to terms with such betrayal of what we once assumed was a safe and secure environment takes times. Time that must be used appropriately by expressing and processing the mourning of what will never be the same again. 

Learn more about the author

Francois Renaud M.A.

Sex therapist & psychotherapist in Downtown Montreal

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Learn more on infidelity

Revenge: The Ugly Side of Infidelity

How to stop being jealous?

Put An End to the Suffering

Jealousy is an emotion which we do not control, but that we have the power to manage. Some people have excessive jealousy that has important impacts in their different relationships whether they be professional, social, friendly or sexual. On the other hand, some only have issues in one of theses types of relationships. Since jealousy can influence multiple aspects of our lives and each have a variety of dynamics that differ, we will be focusing more on sexual and loving jealousy.

Impacts of jealousy on couple's relationships

It isn't necessary to have excessive jealousy for the couple to have difficulties with the matter. Jealousy always emanates from insecurities from the person who feels it, but will blame others to justify their behaviours. This creates conflicts about trust, unjustified accusations, interrogations, an excessive need to be reassured of the other persons loyalty and limiting someone's freedom. Certain people or couples will even go as far as try to limit the other persons thinking by demanding they do not fantasize about other people than them as they would consider it cheating or just feel bad about it. They can limit the other persons social activities and who they can hang out with to maintain the potential of infidelity as low as possible. Theses examples are even more frequent when both partners are jealous. 

These restrictions demonstrate that their is a lack of self-esteem and trust towards one's partner that will have dire consequences in the long run if the couple remains together. Eventually, the partners don't feel they have freedom in the relationship and they eventually can't stand it anymore, even though they might both be imposing their jealousy on the other. Inevitably, fights will start to emerge more and more about this issue and others more or less related so as to jeopardize the false harmony they originally thought they had. There are couples who maintain a relationship in this type of dynamic. Although, you have to ask yourself if you are truly happy? How happy can you be when you are feeling constantly insecure about your partner's whereabouts and who they hang out with? Do you feel free to do what you would like, without having to ask your partner's permission? How do you appreciate the feeling of constantly being monitored by your partner and having to do the same?

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Jealousy will eventually create dissatisfaction for one or both partners. Jealousy can decrease one's sexual desire and affection for the other if the jealousy and the consequences pile up. The partner who isn't jealous will not want to reassure the other continuously, will get fed up about the interrogations, they will start lying to get the illusion that they have freedom. For most people, the feeling of constantly having to reassure the other persons insecurities takes a toll on the admiration of the other and pity tends to replace it.

How to stop jealousy?

Jealousy is an emotion that makes us suffer and it can be quite hard to manage. We more often prefer to get rid of it than to explore its origins, because the exploration of its origins leads to things that we prefer to remain blind to ourselves about our personalities. Jealousy is not only a destructive force for our relationships, but also ourselves. It feeds on us from the inside to be exteriorized by nefarious behaviours in our relationship. First off, like any other interpersonal difficulty, we must take responsibility for what we contribute to the dynamic. We must stop putting the blame on our partner and confront our own fears and insecurities about the issue. We must accept and recognize our own personal value as a person and a partner in the relationship. We must learn to validate ourselves and self-soothe rather than constantly ask our partner to do it. This task is difficult and requires some time to master, especially since humans are more easily capable of being hurt and insulted, as well as rejected than remembering compliments and signs of affection and love. A jealous person tends to need to be constantly reassured and validated by their lover rather than doing it themselves.

Jealous behaviours exist primarily to seek out a sense of love from our partner. In fact, a person with low self-esteem needs to constantly be reassured of the love from others. They will sometimes use inadequate and harmful ways to obtain this false sense of love and affection from others. When we are validated and appreciated by others this temporarily soothes are insecurities. In the long run, this can have negative impacts on the couple who want to be satisfied on a personal, relational and sexual level. Couples where both partners are capable of validating themselves by acknowledging their own value, faults and their partner's will avoid the suffering emotion of jealousy. 

Recognizing our strengths and accepting our weaknesses is a very hard task for some. It may sometimes require the help of a sexologist in therapy. Here a a fews reflexions to have about your relationship dynamic:

• What do you bring to your relationship and your partner?
• What does your partner appreciate from you?
• What makes you feel insecure and impacts your jealousy?
• What are the ways you self-valide to feel good about yourself?
• How could you better manage your jealousy?

Many false perceptions and beliefs about relationships can create difficulties with jealousy. First, we must understand that we cannot answer all our partner's needs and vice versa. It is unrealistic to believe that, as some needs must be fulfilled by oneself or other people such as family, friends, work, etc. This reality is hard for many as it requires that we are not the ONE & ONLY, UNIQUE person in our partner's life. This search of feeling profoundly unique in someone else's eyes creates an expectation that is only bound to create frustration and resentment. In the case where this perception and expectation is destroyed by the realities of being in a relationship, behaviours of jealousy arise to try to maintain our false belief about being unique. People who are jealous have a hard time accepting this fact about relationships. It is undeniable that lovers do bring unique elements to each other, but it is an error to think that we can answer every single need our partner has as well as our own.

What to remember

Jealousy brings lots of distress in a couple, and endangers its stability as well as sexual and personal satisfaction. Jealous behaviours are to be avoided at all cost:

By recognizing our own qualities and accepting our shortcomings; 

By mainly validating ourselves rather wait for our partner to do it;

By having realistic expectations and perceptions of our partner, ourselves and relationships.  

People who want to live a satisfying relationship and sex life must work on all aspects of their jealousy to overcome the inevitable downfall of the relationship. This self-healing will only make you feel better about yourself and to be more appreciated by your partner. 

To be able to love another person, one must first learn how to love oneself in every aspect.  

Learn more about the author

Francois Renaud M.A.

Sex therapist & psychotherapist in Downtown Montreal

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