Pretending to Have Communication Issues

Types of Mind-Mapping

Lack of Communication: A Pretend Fairytale

In another article,  I described  that there is no such thing as a lack of communication in a couple and that we have the ability to mind-map each other. This segment will go deeper into the different types of mind-mapping abilities we are capable of.  

Quick Recap: What is Mind-Mapping?

Mind-mapping is our ability to understand other people's intentions and desires as well as moods and emotions through their body language, their attitudes and their tone of voice. Most people pretend they don't have this ability because it allows us to get what we want and be less vulnerable in our relationships. It also permits to argue about "nonexistent communication issues" rather than the real problems in the relationship, therefore avoiding break-ups. Mind-mapping also plays a crucial role in sex and how we go about having it with our spouse.

Types of Mind-Mapping Abilities

There are 4 different types of mind-mapping that we can use in social interactions. Each one requires the last to be able to do the next one. Therefore, there is a hierarchal element to using mind-mapping. Not everyone can use all 4 of them, but you or your partner might also be pretending you can't do it. We've mostly described the first one which is mind-tracking.

Mind-Tracking: I See You!

We are constantly looking out for other people's motives and intentions when they speak or behave. This is how we can finish people's thoughts and know where they are going before they finish their train of thought. We analyze our partner's body language such as where they are looking, how their hands and legs are open or closed, what posture they are taking. This is the basics of mind-mapping that everyone has. This is how you detect if someone is being truthful or lying or misdirecting the conversation. This allows for empathy and understanding of our spouse's emotions as well. It allows you to know when your partner says: "I'm fine...". And you know that it isn't true. 

One might think that if we are all able to do this, then wouldn't relationships be easy and people would just get along. Why would couples argue so much if we can understand each other so well? The answer is that we don't always like what we understand from each other. Sometimes it's because we don't like being vulnerable or that our lover knows things we want to hide. But if we can mind-track, how can we hide things from each other, you say? This is where mind-masking comes into play and complicates things a little bit. 

Mind-Masking: You Can't See Me!

Mind-masking is developed when we learn it from other people, mostly family dynamics. We understand at a young age that there are things we can do, say and think, but other times we cannot. We learn in most societies and social interactions that vulnerability is a flaw that we must hide. Mind-masking allows partners to lie to each other without the other person knowing they are. It also works when we want to pretend that we are not having pity sex (sex to avoid conflicts or hurting partner). Mind-masking is commonly known as the poker face!

This ability to mind-mask from others who are tracking us is a deceptive behaviour that we use to avoid conflicts that are getting too intense or when we want to get away with something we did. We've all done it before. You do something that has crossed the line and you know your partner won't like it. So you play dumb and pretend you didn't know it would bother them. A classic example is one partner isn't feeling well, but they don't want to talk about it so they put on a happy face. They pretend to have an orgasm or they hide their frustration or disappointment from their spouse. 

A typical mind-masking behaviour when it comes to sex is when a partner starts to flirt with the other and they pretend not to understand what the other wants: To have sex. This leads us to the third mind-mapping ability which is false belief implanting.

False Belief Implanting: You Think you can see me!

I know, I know, this is getting confusing and a bit diseasing. Most likely you are following me because you have the abilities that are being discussed in this article. You've either done it yourself before or you are thinking of ways your partner has been doing similar things. Now if you can think of situations where your partner has mind-masked, then you are also able to do it and most likely have done it in the past.

False belief implanting is pretty self-explanatory. It's when you can make your spouse think something is true when it isn't. Such as you not being able to mind-track or mind-mask them. You implement the idea and they believe you. It now becomes part of your relationship dynamic, such as pretending you both don't understand each other or that you have "communication issues".  Men who have the nice guy syndrome are very good as implementing the idea that they are nice, when it reality they are not. Women do it all the time as well. Whether you're a heterosexual, homosexual, transsexual or lesbian couple, you will most likely find false belief implanting dynamics.

So many times in therapy, I have a couple where one of the partners has a lower sexual desire than their spouse. They have sex even when they don't have the desire for it because they don't want to say no again just to have their partner get angry for the 77th time about their sexual desires not being met. 

The partner with the higher sexual desire will blatantly lie in the therapy session saying they didn't know that the other wasn't that into it. Only to have them confess minutes or sessions later, depending on how long they want to keep the false belief implanted, that they knew this all along. They justify their actions by explaining they wouldn't have gotten what they wanted otherwise. 

The next mind-mapping ability is the most twisted of them all. So much so that it actually has the name for it: Mind-twisting

Mind-Twisting: You'll Wish You Didn't See Me!

Still intrigued, are we? How far have you and your spouse fallen into to the downward cycle of Normal Marital Sadism? There are people who will go far to keep the upper hand in their relationship. Who will manipulate to the point where they must crush or make their partner's feel bad about themselves so they don't have to own up to their mistakes and faults. This may sound scary, but unfortunately and frequently long term couples do fall prey to the temptation of mind-twisting.

Mind-twisting requires all three previous mind-mapping abilities to be able to pull it off. You must mind-track your partner, mind-mask yourself and implant the false belief into the other person. The twisting part comes when you are able to conclude the conflict by making your spouse believe that it was all their fault in the first place when in reality your the one who is in the wrongdoing. 

Now this type of behaviour cannot be solved by communication skills. No amount of sentences starting with "I" will save this relationship from self-imploding. Fortunately, there are ways you can get out of this. Therapy with a trained professional such as a sex therapist and psychotherapist can help you. It will require lots of self-confrontation and a hard look at the status of your relationship and your spouse. This is no small feat and will shatter your perception of your relationship. This will test your capacity to hold onto yourself and strengthen your emotional balance and create a collaborative alliance with your partner rather than having no alliance. This will push your limits which you didn't know existed to bring yourself and your lover to another level in your relationship. 

Will you take the plunge?

Ending note

Mind-mapping doesn't seem like a very useful ability to help couples in their relationships. It can seem as though it creates mistrust and cruel behaviours between people who at the basis are supposed to love each other. That is all true! But mind-mapping is also the way we are capable of connecting on a deeper more profound level with our partner. It makes sex way better than just exchanging orgasms with another person.

It is all a matter of how we decide we want to use mind-mapping. Do we want to be vulnerable and connected with each other or do we want to protect our ego and vanity? You can only choose one of those two options, which is why so many couples hurt each other through mind-mapping rather than connect with one another.

Want to know more?

Getting beyond communication issues: How mind-mapping makes your relationship and sex better

Previous article

There is no such thing as a lack of communication: Honey...I just don't understand you

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Francois Renaud M.A.

Sex therapist & psychotherapist in Downtown Montreal

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Getting stuck in a sexual routine: Where did my libido go?

There is no such thing as a lack of communication

Honey...I just don't understand you!

Everyone says it, nobody gets its!

How many times have you said or heard couples or even therapists saying how communication in a relationship is key? A million times I suppose. What if I told you communication is rarely if not ever the problem people face in relationships. Would you be surprised? Confused? Intrigued? Angry?

Saying it isn't the problem

People have no issues communicating what they want,  even if they don't verbally say it out loud. Have you ever heard that communication passes mainly by body language and not verbal words? Communication without body language would be bland, boring and barely comprehensible.  Well, our capacity to read each other through body language is our ability to mind-map each other.

It is a skill we all develop at the age of four years old in a spontaneous manner and it becomes mature at the age of eleven. It is our primal instincts to interpret and understand other people through body language, their tone of voice and their attitudes.  So even if your partner isn't verbally saying things, you are still strongly capable of determining what their desires or intentions might be. 

Now, I am not saying we can mind read, but we have a lot of clues as to our spouse's moods of the moment. If we didn't have this skill, we would never have sex, flirting would be absolutely impossible and you would never be able to have any type of connection with other people. 

Here are a couple of examples you might relate to:

1) Your spouse comes back from work and you feel that they are upset. Just image how that would look like without them even saying a word. 

2) Your partner is feeling flirtatious and they would like to have sex with you. Again, without saying anything, they are able to transmit to you their intentions and desires. What does that look to you if you picture it?

3) You are at a family dinner and they say something embarrassing or inappropriate and you want to communicate to them to quit it, without saying a peep. How would you go along doing it?

Are you starting to catch my drift? Well, that is also your capacity to mind-map. We also have an ability to predict where people are going with what they are saying, even though it is written down. Now I could give you some bogus explanation on human evolution and how it was used to save our butts from predators, but that is not important. What is significant is that you have the ability to mind-map. 

So what am I suppose to do with this mind-mapping ability you say?

It is pretty simple. STOP PRETENDING YOU DON'T HAVE IT! So many couples come into my office saying that they don't understand each other and they lack communication skills or that they don't communicate. That's when I have to refrain myself from having a little smile knowing full well that it isn't the case, yet they want to implement that idea in the therapy. That is another mind-mapping ability called implanting false beliefs. Which we will get to in another article. 

Most people don't want their spouse to know that they can actually mind-map them. It allows them to pretend they don't know what the other wants or that they don't understand them when in reality they do. This serves many purposes in relationships that tend to be destructive. When we pretend that we don't understand our partner's desires and intentions it gives us excuses to avoid doing things that we don't want to do. Like having sex! Being nice or emotionally available for them.

Have you ever kissed your partner wanting to show them you wanted to heat things up and get funky? Then only to receive those duck kisses that let you hang dry (the situation can also be reversed). That is when the partner later says: I didn't understand that you wanted sex, it wasn't clear! This allows avoiding the "I don't want sex with you" discussion and putting the blame on the other person for not communicating properly what they wanted. If you had to choose between telling your partner you don't desire them or arguing about how you both communicate. Which one would you choose? Most people would take the latter option.

Sex and mind-mapping

Mind-mapping also plays a huge role during sex. This sets the mood and tone of your sexual relationship that you are about to have. The way you kiss, touch and what you do will be determined by mind-mapping. Rethink about your last sexual encounter. How did you know when to move on from kissing to touching genitals? How did you know it was time to penetrate or have oral sex? Have you ever felt that your partner wasn't that into it or really was hot for you? If you are capable of understanding the flow and movement of sexual activities, then you can mind-map. Not that anyone doesn't have the ability anyways! Now are you still going to pretend that your spouse and yourself don't communicate well?

 Understanding, just disagreeing

When people come in therapy saying they have "communication issues"; what they are really saying is: I don't agree with you and I want you to change your mind ASAP. Sometimes, they want the therapist to change their lover's mind. It is easier saying that we don't understand each other when in reality we perceive things differently from our spouse. We have difficulty in our relationships when we are faced with a partner who doesn't want the same things as us. We can take it personally and feel unimportant to them. It can break our perception of who they are as a person. It doesn't validate our point of view, which obliges us to confront them. It confronts us to making tough life decisions that we may not want to deal with.

Can we not agree to disagree?

Nope, you may not! When it comes to negotiating our values, our principles, and our integrity, we cannot agree to disagree. You are faced with constant dilemmas in a relationship where you have to choose between what you want and what your partner wants which more often than not, will not necessarily be the same. You cannot have sex and not have it at the same time. You cannot spend money and save it for later. You cannot clean the house and not clean it. You cannot go to your in-laws at the same time that you stay at home. 

When we tend to disagree on numerous things in relationships, that's when the infamous "communication issues" start to arise. Sex, cleaning, in-laws, money and educating the kids are the general subjects we argue the most about. Others are also possible. They touch our most profound values and integrity, which no one wants to lose. 

How to get out of this never-ending cycle?

Like I said earlier: "STOP PRETENDING YOU DON'T HAVE MIND-MAPPING ABILITIES". This will allow you and your partner to stop arguing about something that doesn't exist and discuss the real issues at hand. Be honest about what you want and the fact that you know what your partner wants, but that you just don't want to give it to them. This will end the none sense bickering about the "I already told you this before" and the "how come you still don't understand". Take into consideration that you are not the only one who has made sacrifices in the relationship. That all your needs and desires will not and cannot all be answered. Stop avoiding the hard truths of your relationship and have the conversation with your partner. You will only appreciate each other more for being fully honest about who you are and what you want. 

This can lead you to separation, but mostly it makes you a better person by being more understanding which tends to bring people closer not further apart. Knowing you can mind-map and that you are being mind-map changes the game in a relationship. It is up to you to decide how you want to play from now on. 

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Pretending to have communication issues: Types of mind-mapping

Getting Beyond Communication Issues: How Mind-Mapping Makes Your Relationship and Sex Better

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Francois Renaud M.A.

Sex therapist & psychotherapist in Downtown Montreal

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Unhealthy couple dynamics: Normal Marital Sadism

Emotional Gridlock: Underlying issues in relationships

Getting stuck in a sexual routine

Where did my libido go?

The routine that kills!

We all know it, sexual routine tends to kill desire. After a few years, we get tired of having sex with the same person, the same way & being able to predict the next move from your partner. We all know the mantra: "We must add variety to our sex life if we want to continue having it"

What does it mean to add variety to our sex life?

Yeah...that isn't very clear for a lot of people. Do we have to buy sex toys or do Christian Grey stuff (50 shades of Grey)? Buy a Kama Sutra book and stretch before sex? Do we change rooms? Do it in public or get out the whipped cream? And what if you don't want to do any of those things? Are we doomed to never have sex again?

We can certainly do some of those things to get our genitals going a bit in the bedroom. Although,  that is like turning the TV on its side and watching a movie for the 250th time...we can all understand that it is the same film on the screen. We know the ending, the surprises, the jokes and the explosions before they even happen. Nothing surprises us or gives us real joy for what is coming next.

Changing rooms or adding sexual positions to your repertoire or integrating sex toys to your sex life will not make it more passionate and enjoyable. It can bring a bit of variety, but it will not last long over time if it is the only thing you do to add variety.

So, what are we suppose to do?

Too many times in my office, I see couples who throw themselves at changing things rapidly in their sexual behaviour, that has little to no significance in depth. They want quick and effective solutions without the effort on their part. But, isn't that where you would want to put some effort? Isn't it important to give importance and time to your partner if you don't want to take them for granted? Would you not want them to take care of you, your relationship and your sexuality together?

But, sex and desire are supposed to be natural!

Well, not really actually! There is nothing natural about sex. We are not born "Sex Bombs" (as Tom Jones used to say), we become one. Think about your first sexual relationship. Were you confident, charming, competent, natural and seductive the first time? Did you know how to kiss properly in your teen years? Probably not! Our first times are awkward, embarrassing, full of uncertainties and insecurities. Over time, we become better at it and gain confidence. Eventually, we hit the wall of sexual incompetence...again. Tadaah! This is where the next phase of your sex life begins.

Changing the paradigm of sexuality

You certainly know what sexual performance is right? This is what makes sex satisfying and energizing. Being with a partner who knows what they are doing and has the proper techniques is a sure shot for success in bed. This formula works for the first few months or years to increase sexual arousal at its highest and it is the quickest way possible to orgasm. Although, it is exactly this way of having sex that kills sexual desire

When we aim for sexual performance, we do what we know works to reach orgasm. Touch here, touch there and BOOM, you get an orgasm. Other times, you retouch here, you retouch there...and peeewwww...Nothing really happens. This happens over months and years where there are ups and downs, but sexual satisfaction is on a constant drop.  

This is where sexual routine starts in long term relationships. When the objective is to sexually arouse yourself and your partner, we use formulaic approaches in a repetitive manner with small variations that slowly but surely work less over time. This creates anxiety and insecurities because we feel incompetent, undesirable and nervous when we have sex. Nothing to get your sex drive high.

Erections are harder to obtain or are half soft, lubrification is less abundant, orgasms are rarer or none existent. Desire and passion are being drained out of the relationship because sexual satisfaction isn't part of sex anymore. Spontaneity and surprises are far and few and seduction is very rare. We sometimes desperately try again with the same formula hoping to get different results.

Sexual connexion & presence 

What really brings change and variation to sex is your capacity to change the tone and dynamic of the relationship during your lovemaking. If we introduce sex toys but we keep the same attitude, with the same anxieties and our sexual performance mantra; we are making love the same way, except that we have a piece of plastic in our hands. If you change the eye contact you have, your touch, your intention and the manner in which you flirt with the other person you are bringing sex to another level. You are changing the relationship you have with your partner!

• Do you look your partner in the eyes during sex? (1 minute or more)
• How do you feel connected to your partner during sex?
• What do you think about while having sex? What is your internal dialogue during sex, from start to finish?
• When does sex start for you? (Flirting, kissing, being naked, penetration, oral sex)
• When does it end?
• How do you flirt and create sexual desire in yourself and your partner?
• What type of variations do you bring while flirting? While having sex?

• How would you describe your sexual style? (intense, horny, soft, tender, affectionate, funny, playful, genitally oriented, passionate, emotional, loving, flamboyant, etc.)
• How would you describe your partner's style?

•  What makes sex satisfying according to you? ( orgasm, presence with the other person, length, rigidity of the penis, intensity of the connexion, letting go, emotional fusion with the other, etc.)
• What makes sex satisfying according to your partner?
• What makes you sexually attractive as a sexual partner? (Why would people want to have sex with you?) 

• What do you like in your partner sexually?
• What do they like about you sexually?
• What do you like the least?
• Do you ever talk about it? Why or why not?
• What do they least prefer in you during sex?
• Have you ever talked about it? Why or why not?

Killing the routine!

Sexuality isn't just a question of backflips and introducing the funkiest of behaviours, although it can be very interesting at times. It is a sexual RELATIONSHIP with the other person. This connexion can be affectionate and/or sexual. When we take the time to feel and take pleasure to all our sensations of our bodies, our connexion and presence to the other person rather than trying to perform...variety becomes easier to integrate into sex. 

Learn more about the author

Francois Renaud M.A.

Sex therapist & psychotherapist in Downtown Montreal

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Revenge: The Ugly Side of Infidelity

What brings out the worst in people

What can having an affair mean about a relationship

In my last article, we talked about learning from an infidelity, which looked at understanding what had brought on the affair in the first place and how it was related to the relationship. When you take the time to question yourself on how you contributed to the relationship issues, whether you cheated on your spouse or you were cheated on, you can start repairing what had already been broken.

It was briefly mentioned how partners can neglect and betray each other in a relationship in other ways than being unfaithful. In a relationship, we have unwritten rules and expectations from each other that we rarely if ever talk about. When they are not clear, it can lead to many dissatisfactions surrounding the relationship and then partners tend to take it out on their spouse's when they feel that they've been wronged concerning their expectations.

Take the time to reflect on what exactly were yours at the beginning of the relationship and what are they now. Have they changed? Does your partner know about them? Do you know and understand theirs? Did you just assume they had the same as yours? Do you feel you have been taking care of them? If not, why did you neglect them? Does your partner take care of yours?

Entitlement

As humans, people tend to feel entitled to certain things in a relationship even though they don't even do their own part. When we feel that our partner must answer certain demands of ours without even considering if they want to or can, this creates a lot of frustration. When we feel that our partner has neglected some of our expectations, we can sometimes be compelled to get revenge and just be mean to each other. Sometimes, we will neglect their expectations and demands because we want to punish them. Eventually, you end up with 2 people constantly punishing each other for the lack of effort each of them puts into the relationship. 

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Wanting sex and not getting any

Let's give an example of how entitlement and our expectations lead to hurt feelings and bruised egos. Sally wants more sex than Kim who has always been the partner with lower sexual desire. Sally feels that sex is something that couples are supposed to do in order to be happy. Kim wants quality time and to have shared responsibility concerning the kids and the housework. When one of them doesn't get what they want, they don't give back what the other one expects. Eventually, each partner builds up frustrations, feelings of entitlement, resentment and the seed of revenge is slowly and painfully making its way into the core of the relationship dynamic. Both partners feel hurt that the other one isn't taking care of them, but neither is willing to give out first because their egos would have to take a hit. 

Revenge is sweet but ultimately bitter

Even though revenge for most people is seen as a bad thing, it doesn't take away the instant satisfaction you get out of doing it. Most people will deny that they have this tendency but rarely do people not have the knee-jerk reaction to use it when they feel they've been taken advantage of. Admitting that we do this in our relationship with our spouse is what most people would consider relationship suicide and the cause of an instant separation. If you ever do admit to it, do yourself and your relationship a favour: Do NOT pretend this is an unconscious thing! 

The thing that is hard about stopping revenge is that we actually truly enjoy it. We feel entitled to it even! When you get two spouses playing the revenge and entitlement game, you end up with a lot of hurt feelings and a very unhappy relationship. This relationship dynamic isn't always so obvious, as it can be very subtle and ultimately very hard to even perceive. 

Being vengeful by having an affair

The subtleness of entitlement and revengefulness in couples is what can lead sometimes to be unfaithful. One partner might just use this reasoning to go seek elsewhere what they wanted from their relationship all along and that they feel has been neglected. All the while knowing, that it was done out of spite to their partner. You might be thinking that this is a monstrous way to look at relationships and people. I would absolutely agree, but it is also the way you can bring the best out of people. As David Schnarch, so clearly says: "the best in us brings out the worst in us because the worst in us denies its own existence". 

Confronting our own inner demons

When partners in a relationship individually decide to face the horrors they have been putting themselves and their spouse through is when the real change can begin. When we deny what we purposely do to our spouse out of revenge and entitlement, we create an even worst dynamic where we perpetuate the myth that we are just not capable of being a better person. 

ARE YOU WILLING TO FACE YOURSELF IN FRONT OF YOU PARTNER?

Learn more about the author

Francois Renaud M.A.

Sex therapist & psychotherapist in Downtown Montreal

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