The underlying issue in couples*
Couples
fight and it's always going to be that way, it's inevitable. It's not
the funnest thing to do with the love of our life. We would all
prefer that we all get along and we live happily ever after.
Unfortunately and fortunately that is not how it works. People can't
agree on everything especially when it's truly important to who we
are and how we act. Our sense of self or commonly know as our
identity plays a huge role in our romantic relationships. We can't
always agree to disagree with our partner, because sometimes you only
have one choice, you have to choose and you need to put aside the
other choice. Sacrifices are needed in relationships and these tend
to create lots of arguments in relationships.
Couples
have conflicts on a regular basis and that is totally fine. What
really matters is how you deal with them. It's not rare to find
partners in a battle on a specific subject which neither of them
wants to be wrong about or wants to let go of their point of view of
the situation. They are both emotionally attached to their perception
of the situation and each contradicts the other one's. This is called
emotional gridlock! The
symptoms of this are the following:
- Repetitive arguments
- quickly get frustrated about a topic or argument
- Feelings of being misunderstood
- Thinking that we are entirely right and their entirely wrong
- Not reflecting on what the other is saying, but of our next argument
- Our only goal is to prove our point and be right
- Ignoring the other person to hurt feelings
- and the list goes on!What emotional gridlock can feel like sometimes
Most
will say that their is missing or lacking communication, which is false.
Partners understand each other very well in theses situations, as
they've been repeating each other over and over again. Each of them
could repeat by heart what their partner's arguments word for
word. They just don't
agree with them. This is
where the emotional gridlock plays a huge role. If one of them had to
agree with the other, they would have to change who they are as a
person or their perspective of themselves, which affects their sense
of self. In other words, it's a battle of their integrity.
They
are also avoiding at the same time making a decision about their
situation. They are facing what we call a 2
choice dilemma: Having
to choose between two opposing circumstances which obliges the loss
of the advantages of the one that isn't chosen. So we can understand
why each partner is holding on to their end of the blanket.
How Do We Get Out of The Emotional Gridlock
This
is where things get really hard for the couple and when at least one
partner needs to have a strong 4 points of balance to get pass the dilemma that the couple is facing. It
requires a lot of maturity, a capacity to self-confront, to accept
half-truths, to avoid holding a grudge, to grow and change as a
person. It's important not to mistake this for a compromise or a lack
of integrity, but a complete change in the dynamic of the couple. It
only takes one partner to do it and that is why it's actually so
hard. It leaves the one that does change completely vulnerable, as
they are openly admitting they didn't have the entire truth and they
are losing their choice in the dilemma. They went beyond their
emotions and saw further than there own needs. They took a chance to
grow as a person and they grasp it, even though it could have
backfired on them.
Emotional
gridlock is the battle of the wills of a couple, of each individuals
integrity and sense of self (identity). It takes a lot of courage for
a person to come out of that in a way that they are not losing who
they are, but becoming someone better.
Productive
Conflicts
Romantic
relationships have the capacity to bring the worse in people, but it
also allows to bring the best in each partner as well. It's
undeniable that staying with the same person for a long time is going
to bring challenges. Each individual has choices that they can make.
One of them is showing the best of themselves and growing in the
process or they can stay stuck in their emotional gridlock and remain
unsatisfied in their relationship. The choice seems obvious, but
actually growing and redefining who you are is one of the hardest
thing a person can achieve in their lives.
Francois Renaud M.A.
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