The 4 Points of Balance*
Tolerating
self-validated intimacy is hard for
everyone. It obliges us to maintain a strong sense of self, to
self-sooth, have grounded responses and a meaningful
endurance. Each of these 4 points allow a person to maintain
balance in the relationship so they grow as an individual and as a
partner. When one of these fail, other validated intimacy takes place and conflicts eventually ensue.
Solid flexible self
Our
sense of self has a huge impact on our ability to self-disclose
personal and intimate information to our partner. It is the way we
perceive ourselves in our identity. Who am I? What am I like? What
are my values and beliefs? How do I want to be treated? What am I
looking for in a partner and in sex?
Some
people have overly flexible selves which means they constantly change
who they are depending on the context they are faced with. This is
where other validated intimacy comes into play. These types of people
will adapt to others so they don't feel rejected. They won't express
what they really think or feel not to bother, upset or start a
conflict with others. They are centered towards pleasing other
people. Hence, they don't have an identity of their own.
When
it comes to sexuality, they won't discuss their sexual preferences,
talk about sexual fantasies, show who they are sexually, because they
don't really know or don't want other people to know. Quickly enough,
sex becomes a routine and they won't open up on their possible sexual
dissatisfaction.
There
is also the opposite of the continuum where people are rigid in the
way they present themselves. They can't tolerate differences in their
partners. They impose their way of thinking, acting and being. They
perceive differences as a threat to their sense of self because it
obliges them to reflect on themselves and possibly change their
perceptions. This in itself is a huge difficulty to people who are
rigid in their sense of self.
Someone
who is balanced in this aspect has a good sense of who they are as
individuals and are proud of who they are. At the same time they are
capable of letting others in their world without feeling threatened.
They have the capacity of self-reflection and confrontation and open
up to differences and possibly change their perception of things.
They are willing to explore new things and change and grow as a
person.
Calm heart and calm mind
Faced
with an intimate context it is not always easy to deal with all the
emotions that we are feeling. Our bodies react in all different kinds
of ways and our feelings can be hurt in the process. This brings
people to have all kinds of thoughts in their mind, which aren't
always the nicest things to say.
For
example, when someone isn't entirely satisfied with the sex they've
being having and tell their partner. For one, it can be hard to say
those things to the person they love and cherish, because they know
that it will hurt them. Secondly the other has to deal with the fact
that their sexual competencies aren't as good as they thought. This
has an impact on their sense of self which might bring the person to
become rigid or flexible towards the other partner.
A
person's capacity to self-sooth and calm themselves down allows them
to tolerate the anxiety provoked during intense intimate moments with
their partner. People who don't have that capacity either avoid
intimacy all together so there won't be any conflicts or they become
explosive when interacting with their partner, because they've been
hurt.
Grounded responses
In
therapy, we hear many couples saying that their arguments turn in
circles and never get resolved. It's not because there is missing or lacking communication; its that the
persons are not willing to agree with their partner. This leads to an
emotional gridlock and
the couple have unproductive arguments because they're avoiding the
real issue. The more we become intimate with each other the more we
realize that we have differences, which can be quite fundamental to
someones sense of self.
When
couples fight about sexuality, for instance the frequency of sex;
they are faced with 2 choices:
Having
sex or not having sex. One partner
wants it the other one doesn't. This is where a decision needs to be
made, which most couple stall or avoid making entirely. You cannot
have sex
and not have it
at the same time. It's one or the other! This is where most people
lose their grounded response, because they want so badly what THEY
want, they say almost anything to get it, even though it makes no
sense, they scream and shout at each other or completely ignore their
partners to send them the message that they don't care.
A
grounded response is when a person takes the time to reflect
on the situation before saying whatever goes through their minds.
They were able to comfort themselves and are thinking of a mature
response to give so that the conflict becomes a productive one. The
person that has mastered this point of balance takes the time to
listen to what the other has to say and gives a well reflected and
grounded response to their partner. They are not seeking to be right,
but to grow as a person in this dilemma and understand their partner
better, while still maintaining there sense of self (Integrity).
Meaningful Endurance
When
faced with a conflict, partners have to decide if they are going to
work it through or terminate the relationship because they are
incompatible. Differences create strain between lovers, because it
requires that we tolerate certain aspects that are not always
pleasing to live with.
Depending
on the type of dynamic that a couple has, some will avoid taboo
subjects not to get into fights so not to threaten the relationship.
There is a status quo that is established and nobody is willing to
touch it, even though one or both partners are unhappy with how
things are developing between them. For example, not telling a
partner that sex is dull and needs a boost and enduring the lack of
sexual satisfaction rather than dealing with the issue which entails
getting out of our sexual comfort zone and become more intimate.
The
other possible reaction is that when faced with differences it
immediately puts an end to the couple so that they don't have to face
the uncomfortable interactions that would ensue if they were to deal
with the sexually intimate issues.
Tolerating
the anxiety that stems from self-validated intimacy is hard for women
and men alike. There are times in long term relationships that are
though and you just want to give up, pack your bags and go home.
These times are when we test our limits, can learn to mature and grow
as a person and as a couple. The anxiety of not knowing if you are
going to get through this and that you may be wasting your time and part of your life trying to work things out can
break many couples up.
People
who have meaningful endurance give it there best shot. They
self-confront, self-sooth and act in mature way, all the while
tolerating the anxiety, uncomfortable and difficult times that every
long term couple needs to face one day or the other.
Francois Renaud M.A.
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MORE ON: Sexual Intimacy & Sexual Desire
Other
related articles:
Couple’s Communication Issues or Unable to Tolerate Intimacy?
* Inspired by the book Intimacy and Desire from David Schnarch
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