How Intimacy Effects Our Sexual Desire*
When
our relationship is based on other validated intimacy, we inevitably hit an obstacle in our sexual
maturity. If we are only willing to self-disclose a part of ourselves
to our partner we're limiting the level of intimacy the couple can
share.
Limiting our sexual maturity
Sexual desire in a long term relationship can be affected by a number
of elements in the dynamic of a couple. First and foremost sexual
desire stays alive in couples who are capable of reinventing
themselves, trying new things, experimenting sexual fantasies and
introducing a different dynamic in their sex lives. It's also people
who are not afraid to look silly, laugh and can tolerate sexual
awkwardness. When our couple uses other validated intimacy, we're
afraid to do any of those things because they might bring rejection
or judgment on the part of the partner, which other validated couples
avoid at all cost because that hurts.
Avoid stagnation
Consequently,
we find couples who have stagnated in their capacity to mature
sexually and a routine is instated. Nothing kills sexual desire more
than being able to predict every aspect of how we are going to have
sex with someone. Sexual desire exudes when there is adventure,
newness, surprise and strong emotions. Routine sex is good to make
you feel comfortable and loved, but it lacks the capacity to excite
and bring desire towards our partners.
Admire to desire
Another
aspect that impacts sexual desire is our capacity to tolerate
vulnerabilities in ourselves and in our partner. A component of
sexual desire is admiration towards the other. If there is a lack
there of, then little desire can exist between two people. How can
couples be vulnerable in front of each other by admitting their
mistakes, showing their issues and faults without killing the
admiration they have for each other.
Admitting
our limits takes a lot of personal strength which is admirable in
itself, but there is still a step further people need to go through.
After putting ourselves in that vulnerable state, it's important to
learn from it and grow as a human being and a partner. When we
witness our lover struggling at becoming a better person, we can take
pride and admire being with such a man or woman.
Get your sex appeal on!
Seduction
is also an element that impacts sexual desire in couples. Most long
term couples tend to take for granted their partner after a while and
they don't feel the need to seduce and flirt anymore. Seducing our
partner is required if we want to keep the flames of passion between
each other. Flirting allows the couple to have fun, laugh, play and
sexualize their encounters, which grants the promise of sex in the
near future. If we don't play the game, we can't expect to win the
prize!
The
downside of seducing our partner is that they may end up not wanting
sex at the end, which can leave one partner frustrated or rejected at
having put so much effort. People who cultivate
other validated intimacy will withdraw from flirting to avoid getting
hurt again. Couples who are capable of validating themselves will try
again and see it as a challenge to woo their partner next time.
Hence,
intimacy is intricately related to the level of sexual desire that
will be shared between partners. We need to heighten our intimacy by
cultivating our sexual development, seducing our partner and growing
as a person!
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MORE ON: Sexual Intimacy & Sexual Desire
Other
related articles:
Couple’s Communication Issues or Unable to Tolerate Intimacy?
* Inspired by the book Intimacy and Desire from David Schnarch
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