Gender roles are changing
There
is a misconception that women either don't like sex or aren't really
interested in doing it. We portray women as liking sex because it has
an emotional component to it and they can feel more connected to
their partner. As much as gender roles are changing, women who
actually demonstrate and say they like sex because they feel sexual
pleasure are openly or secretly branded as being nymphomaniacs or
worse «sluts». Girls will seldom brag to their friends about their
masturbation sessions as boys will do in their teenage years. Yet,
they masturbate just as much. They want to know as much about sex as
the boys, but will hide their curiosity or desires to avoid being
stigmatized.
There
is guilt associated with female sexuality and a double standard, even
if it isn't openly said these days. Men are portrayed as the sexual
beings who are always ready and want it all the time in a
heterosexual relationship. If the roles are reversed, men tend to
feel threaten by their female partner's sexuality and feel less
manly. Most of the time, they won't admit feeling diminished because
that would be showing their vulnerability, which makes them feel even
less like a man.
Protecting yourself and your partner's ego
Women
pick up on these dynamics and what they rather end up doing is being
disinterested in sex rather than showing their own eroticism to their
partners. They protect men's egos so that they (women) don't get
branded with being a nymphomaniac. So we perpetuate the myth that men
are the sexually charged gender in our societies. While in fact
women's sexuality has been repressed for so many generations they
don't even realize their full sexual potential.
This
tends to create a High Desire Partner (HDP) and Low Desire Partner (LDP) dynamic and creates conflicts in long-term
relationships. Now, not all women are more sexual then men, but it is
a truth in certain relationships that is highly ignored in today's
relationships and should be addressed more often.
Why women don't have sexual desire?
Typically,
when couples consult a sex-therapist for differences in sexual
desire, we assume the woman is the LDP (Low DesirePartner). Most of the time, when that is the case, it's not
because she doesn't like sex...she doesn't like it with her partner.
She's actually bored with sex, because her level of eroticism
is more developed than his and she's afraid to show it. Either she's
avoiding being judged by him or she doesn't want to hurt his feelings
by emasculating him. This demonstrates a lack of intimacy in their relationship, where neither partner is
willing to face the hard truth about their sexuality. This limitation
on the perception of masculinity and femininity creates many sexual
difficulties that could be avoided by having a larger view of these
gender roles.
Why do men lose sexual desire?
You
might be surprised to hear, but fifty percent (50%) of the time in
therapy, the man is the one who is the LDP.
When this happens, it is not that he is bored as women tend to be,
but feels threaten by his partner's
sexuality and eroticism. When he picks up after awhile that she has
more desire, more initiative, more creativity and sexual huffmp
than
him,
he loses his feelings of being a man. This creates a lack in desire
in men because he doesn't feel up to the challenge to please his
partner and therefore gets demotivated to have sex.
Men
are thought and are perceived as being the ones who educate women on
their bodies and sexuality. They
are the ones that lead and get their desires fulfilled, which makes
them feel competent as men. They get a sense of pride out of playing
that role, but when they don't have those aspects to hold on to, they
don't feel good about themselves.
Man up! Woman up!
As
an adult, it is time to grow up and mature in our sexuality and
capacity to be truly intimate with our partner. Sex should be
pleasurable, fun,
playful and enjoyable. When it stops being that way, it is time to
reflect on your sexual maturity and deal with your short-comings. If
you feel threaten or intimidated by your partner's eroticism and
sexuality see it as a challenge to overcome rather than an obstacle
that you want to avoid. Bring yourself to push your personal limits
and get your funk on!
Women
should not feel ashamed about sex and should demand what they
sexually desire. Sex is one of the most beautiful and extraordinary
ways you can connect with a person and feel loved. It is also a
wonderful activity to share pleasure and reach ecstasy through our
minds and bodies. Passing up that opportunity to protect your partner
or from what other people might think of you isn't worth it,
considering what you are losing for yourself.
Men
need to acknowledge their limitations and try to surpass them rather
than avoid them. Sex is not a competition or a performance, but a
shared activity that requires you take care of yourself and your
partner to enjoy the moment. NOT TO IMPRESS SOMEONE!
Sex therapist & psychotherapist in Downtown Montreal
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