Sexual Intimacy & Sexual Desire Part 3

How Intimacy Effects Our Sexual Desire*

When our relationship is based on other validated intimacy, we inevitably hit an obstacle in our sexual maturity. If we are only willing to self-disclose a part of ourselves to our partner we're limiting the level of intimacy the couple can share.

Limiting our sexual maturity

Sexual desire in a long term relationship can be affected by a number of elements in the dynamic of a couple. First and foremost sexual desire stays alive in couples who are capable of reinventing themselves, trying new things, experimenting sexual fantasies and introducing a different dynamic in their sex lives. It's also people who are not afraid to look silly, laugh and can tolerate sexual awkwardness. When our couple uses other validated intimacy, we're afraid to do any of those things because they might bring rejection or judgment on the part of the partner, which other validated couples avoid at all cost because that hurts.

Avoid stagnation

Consequently, we find couples who have stagnated in their capacity to mature sexually and a routine is instated. Nothing kills sexual desire more than being able to predict every aspect of how we are going to have sex with someone. Sexual desire exudes when there is adventure, newness, surprise and strong emotions. Routine sex is good to make you feel comfortable and loved, but it lacks the capacity to excite and bring desire towards our partners.

Admire to desire

Another aspect that impacts sexual desire is our capacity to tolerate vulnerabilities in ourselves and in our partner. A component of sexual desire is admiration towards the other. If there is a lack there of, then little desire can exist between two people. How can couples be vulnerable in front of each other by admitting their mistakes, showing their issues and faults without killing the admiration they have for each other.

Admitting our limits takes a lot of personal strength which is admirable in itself, but there is still a step further people need to go through. After putting ourselves in that vulnerable state, it's important to learn from it and grow as a human being and a partner. When we witness our lover struggling at becoming a better person, we can take pride and admire being with such a man or woman.

Get your sex appeal on!

Seduction is also an element that impacts sexual desire in couples. Most long term couples tend to take for granted their partner after a while and they don't feel the need to seduce and flirt anymore. Seducing our partner is required if we want to keep the flames of passion between each other. Flirting allows the couple to have fun, laugh, play and sexualize their encounters, which grants the promise of sex in the near future. If we don't play the game, we can't expect to win the prize!

The downside of seducing our partner is that they may end up not wanting sex at the end, which can leave one partner frustrated or rejected at having put so much effort. People who cultivate other validated intimacy will withdraw from flirting to avoid getting hurt again. Couples who are capable of validating themselves will try again and see it as a challenge to woo their partner next time.

Hence, intimacy is intricately related to the level of sexual desire that will be shared between partners. We need to heighten our intimacy by cultivating our sexual development, seducing our partner and growing as a person!

Francois Renaud M.A.

Sexologist & Psychotherapist Montreal

READ MORE  ON: Sexual Intimacy & Sexual Desire

Redefine your Couple's Dynamic in Sexuality Part 1

Two Very Different Types of Intimacy Part 2

The 4 Points of Balance Part 4

Other related articles:

Why It's Truly Hard to Commit to Our Relationships

Emotional Gridlock

A Lack of Sexual Desire is Good for Your Couple!

Couple’s Communication Issues or Unable to Tolerate Intimacy?

* Inspired by the book Intimacy and Desire from David Schnarch

Sexual Intimacy Part 2

Two Very Different Types of Intimacy*

Intimacy and couple's dynamic

Every couple is unique in the way they are intimate with each other. It is determined by each partner's individual experience and need for intimacy with their lover and also the dynamic that develops during the relationship. As we get to know each other better, we either appreciate the parts they are self-disclosing or find out things that we would have preferred not to know. This is where the couple dynamic with intimacy starts to form itself. When someone is self-disclosing to their partner, there is an inevitable reaction on both ends. The first reaction comes from the partner receiving the self-disclosure, which can be either acceptance or rejection of the new element that is being introduced. The second counter-reaction comes from the person that self-discloses, who then evaluates if it was a good or bad idea to share this intimate information with their lover.

Reciprocal Intimacy

This type of intimacy is what our society tends to promote in the media and amongst friends and family. It is the safe form of intimacy where we only self-disclose personal information that we know our partner will accept and not reject us (sexual fantasies, seducing in a different manner, proposing a new sexual style, etc.). We also expect the other to reciprocate immediately after wards, so we don't put ourselves in too much of a vulnerable position with them.

Sounds great at first glance. No one gets hurt, we don't have to be too vulnerable and it feels like an equal relationship; in other words SAFE. We also call this type of intimacy “other validated intimacy”, which means you are searching for validation from the other when you self-disclose. We can't BE who we truly are unless our partner accepts us that way. Hence, we hide behind this false image of who we are so that we don't feel rejected.

On the other hand we can easily see how in the long run this can become problematic. If we are only willing to divulge as much information as your partner is willing to accept with open arms, it comes to a point where the couple stagnates in their growth as individuals. If we are only willing to talk about issues that won't make us potentially feel rejection or hurt our partner, it leads to major conflicts in the couple never being addressed.

For example, sex hasn't been the best lately, but we don't tell our partner to avoid hurting their feelings. On the same front, we don't try to change the sexual dynamic because we are afraid we'll be judged by our partner of our sexual preferences. We are afraid they'll reject us, laugh at us, or even humiliate us. This path inevitably leads to sexual boredom and a decrease in sexual desire for one or both partners, because everyone wants to play SAFE in the couple. Safety is not what creates sexual desire and erotism.

Self-Validated Intimacy

This form of intimacy is hard and requires a lot of self-soothing. It only takes one partner to be this way for it to work. This type allows a person to be vulnerable in front of their partner, show who they actually are sexually; quirks, issues, weirdness and funkiness included, without looking for approval and validation from the other. People who are capable of self-validated intimacy know who they are and proud of themselves. In the face of rejection they are capable of self-soothing and accept the differences between them and their partner. When they have something difficult to say to their partner, they can deal with the reaction and the distance it causes.

Rejecting or being rejected is difficult for everyone, especially when it comes from a partner. It is a part of us or them that is not loved. It forces us to face the fact that we are not entirely lovable, sexy or competent lovers in all regards. People who validate themselves from others on most aspects have a really hard time with rejection. When they need to reject or feel rejected on one element of who they are, they generalize it to their whole person. They lack the capacity to self-sooth and confront themselves. They don't perceive it as an opportunity to grow as a person, but as a threat to their identity.

Francois Renaud M.A.

Sexologist & Psychotherapist Montreal

READ MORE  ON: Sexual Intimacy & Sexual Desire

Redefine your Couple's Dynamic in Sexuality Part 1

How Intimacy Affects Sexual Desire Part 3

The 4 Points of Balance Part 4

Other related articles:

Why It's Truly Hard to Commit to Our Relationships

Emotional Gridlock

A Lack of Sexual Desire is Good for Your Couple!

Couple’s Communication Issues or Unable to Tolerate Intimacy?

* Inspired by the book Intimacy and Desire from David Schnarch

Sexual Intimacy

Redefine Your Couple's Dynamic in Sexuality*

Intimacy and its Multiple Definitions

The concept has been defined in a multitude of different ways. Sometimes, it is used to describe two or more people having sexual activities together (e.g. «My husband and I were having an intimate moment last night»). It can also refer to someones nudity or private sexual activities such as masturbation (e.g. «I need my intimacy when I am changing in my room». «Masturbation is an intimate moment with ourselves»). It can even refer to genitalia (e.g. «Those are my intimate parts»).

What all of these have in common is self-disclosure or lack there of. When we share a part of ourselves with another person we are self-disclosing who we are. There are various types and degrees of intimacy such as emotional, sexual, professional, etc. We can show our naked body, divulge sexual fantasies\dreams\preferences and also share our feelings towards another person. For most people, sexual intimacy is the hardest subject to disclose to someone else. Our sexuality is at the core of our personality as it shows our deepest fears, our strengths and vulnerability to truly demonstrate who we are as a person.

What Intimacy is NOT!

There is a misconception in our society that intimacy is always fun, romantic and loving between partners. This is untrue! The more we get to know our partner, we start realizing that they do not only have good qualities and strengths, but also limits, quirks, vulnerabilities, emotional issues and sexual issues, etc. As much as we would want to believe that we love each and every part of our partner, we don't. Well, not in a long term relationship anyway. In fact, in short-term relationships we can't really know our partner because we haven't been with them long enough. We project and imagine who this person is, without knowing who they truly are in reality.

Over the course of a relationship, people will change as well. We are not static and immobile as people. We think, we evolve and change our minds. We change our minds as a matter of fact quite frequently. Therefore, intimacy is not only sharing a special moment where partners connect on a positive and profound level. It's also getting to know our partner on levels that we don't necessarily appreciate, agree with or that validate our own perception of sex. Intimacy is also telling our partner when sex wasn't that good or that we don't desire them sexually anymore or we don't appreciate the way they touch and seduce us.

Unavoidable Conflicts

It is inevitable that we will find differences in the long run between ourselves and our partner. Sometimes these differences are just annoying; we can also hate them, find them to be a nuisance which interferes with our happiness in the couple and even reconsider if we still want to be with this person. It's impossible to find a partner that we get along with on everything we share together. Our sexual preferences, the type of sex we want, our sexual fantasies, the way we flirt and initiate sex may not align perfectly with our partners sexuality.

This will inevitably bring conflicts in our relationships, which brings us to the choice to go through or avoid it entirely. This is where intimacy comes into play in couples. People who don't have a strong «4 points of balance» will perceive differences as threats to the stability of their couple. Partners will start avoiding self-disclosure to prevent feelings of rejection from the other partner or avoid hurting them.

Francois Renaud M.A.

Sexologist & Psychotherapist Montreall

READ MORE :

Two Very Different Types of Intimacy Part 2

How Intimacy Affects Sexual Desire Part 3

The 4 Points of Balance Part 4

Other related articles:

Why It's Truly Hard to Commit to Our Relationships

Emotional Gridlock

A Lack of Sexual Desire is Good for Your Couple!

Couple’s Communication Issues or Unable to Tolerate Intimacy?

* Inspired by the book Intimacy and Desire from David Schnarch

Why it's Hard to TRULY Commit to our Relationships

How our Inevitable Fear of Life prevents us from commitment

Commitment & Intimacy

Commitment in a relationship is not just hard for men, it is for everyone. When I say commitment, I'm not just talking about getting married, being in a monogamous relationship, buying a house, having a dog and kids together. It has to do with commitment to yourself and to life itself. It's being intimate with your partner on a profound level that few people achieve, yet everyone has the capacity.

Whether your Christian, Muslim, Jewish, Buddhist, Atheist or Agnostic and you've read the Bible or the Qu r’an a hundred times or that you believe in reincarnation or none of the above. No one REALLY knows for a fact what happens when we die. You can believe all you want, but you'll never be able to be 100% sure of the outcome. The only thing we are actually sure of is that we are born, we live and then we die. That is one of the reasons that people are afraid of truly living.

Fear of Life

True commitment to life is investing your entire self to making the most of the few years we have on Earth. It's feeling joy, sadness, anger, passion, love, having a good taste of what life has to offer us. You could think that it's an easy task to achieve for most, but think again. Since we only have one life to live that we are sure of, we could imagine that we would all want to be happy and enjoy it to the fullest. What most people don't want to admit in enjoying life to its fullest is that it comes with a huge risk...you lose it all when death comes knocking at your door. That's a hard feat for anyone to accept and go through.

Commitment to your partner

What does commitment to your partner have to do with death or our fear of life? Commitment to a relationship is putting effort and hard work into building something with that person. These «  team projects  » that you co-create with your lover bring lots of joy, sometimes disappointments and at the end you feel a sense of accomplishment. You grow closer, more intimate and your feelings deepen for one another. The love you have for yourself, your partner and potentially your kids create a sense of fulfillment. Knowing that you may never know or feel that sensation again can be quite scary. It's quite understandable not to want to lose such a thing, so better to never have it at all. Therefore, people escape from commitment to a partner not so much because of the hardships it sometimes entails, but of the happiness it can make us feel.

How can I overcome this?

Some may want to know how you get passed your fear of life and commit to yourself, your partner and life! Unfortunately, there is no easy answer, because we all have to go through and passed our anxiety of death in our own way. Each of us has chosen a path to take and we have to live with the good and the bad of each of the situations.

 

Interested in knowing more about commitment, intimacy and our fear of life: Read on these books from which this text was inspired from.

Intimacy and desire – David Schnarch

Fear of life – Alexander Lowen

Watch this inspirational video:

Do you want to be more intimate with you partner and establish a profound commitment with yourself, your partner and life.

Visit the workshop description on Intimacy and desire and subscribe

Francois Renaud M.A.

Sexologist & Psychotherapist Montreal