Relationship patterns and seduction

How they intertwine together!

We all have patterns in our romantic relationships, which have variable impacts on our lives. They often change due to our personal development so they can better serve our needs according to our beliefs, experiences and values related to our perception of love. In other words, they are modifiable in order to protect us and help us grow as individuals. When patterns are unhealthy, they usually make us feel unhappy, lonely, mixed up, rejected and get us into problematic relationships We therefore find ourselves in a vicious cycle of bad choices when it comes to our love life with feelings of disappointment which subsequently affect us.

Healthy patterns enable us to personally grow in our couple and the unhealthy ones are trying to protect us maladaptively. The latter are paradoxically comfortable in spite of the many problems they generate, because we can predict them and generate a sense of security. Changing patterns, all different circumstances put aside, causes anxiety for everyone. The feeling of anguish, when it comes to love, decreases motivation to modify patterns. Some people however are capable of changing them, which enables them to grow in the relationships they maintain.

Romantic patterns begin as soon as we meet another person for the first time In order to answer our pre-established criteria, we make a selection of whom we seduce and who is allowed to flirt with us. When we start to reflect on the people we choose to seduce and those we avoid, one can detect patterns of seduction. It is not rare to flirt with people who we feel at ease with , even if they aren’t always our first choice. We seldom approach individuals who  intimidate us or we do not feel equal to , because we assume, we will be rejected and inevitably hurt. We thus avoid changing our romantic patterns, in spite of the difficulties they create, in order to stay in our comfort zone. 

  

   In short, when we find ourselves in an unhealthy pattern, we avoid situations where we feel discomfort, fear or ill at ease, However, when we allow ourselves to live moments and situations of seduction that provoke more anxiety, we discover new aspects of ourselves and unexplored relationships are now possible. Awkwardness and missteps should not discourage us because they are part of the process towards change and growth  as a person. Eventually, we find our middle ground and it allows us to become more natural and fluid in being who we are. The next time you find yourselves in a context of flirting, choose the person you are really interested in and approach the ones that intimidate you.

Dare to take chances and be happily surprised! 

Francois Renaud M.A.

Sexologist & Psychotherapist Montreal

A lack of sexual desire is good for your couple!

A Normal phase in Your Sexual Development

Sexual desire is a feeling which pushes us towards the other so that we can answer our sexual needs. People’s sex drive is activated by various factors such as  feelings of love, pleasure, masculinity, femininity, physical features, personality, etc. There is a certain evolution that exists with sexual desire that is also influenced by age and also the length of time that a couple has been together. The majority of couples start with a high level of sexual desire which solidifies the bond between the partners. This period of time is often categorized as very passionate and filled with extremely good sex. Thereafter, attachment between partners is formed, which reinforces a sense of security in the couple. It is not unusual to find a sex life stuck in a routine at this point of the relationship. In fact, a great majority of couples are in a rut when it comes to sex and one or both partners have lost their sexual desire for their lover. This phase is completely normal and to some extent desirable in a couple. 

This phase is a test, which couples must endure for the growth of the couple leading to better sex. It’s inevitable that we will eventually have learned every single sexual advance and technique our partner uses to seduce and arouse us. Moreover, sexual desire is seldom high when you can predict the sexual behaviors of your partner and the manner with which he or she initiates sex. It is thus necessary to become creative and reinvent yourself sexually with our lover. How to get out of a sex rut when you’re under the impression that you have already tried everything? 

Recognize your couple’s dynamic

First off, we should recognize that we can tend to take for granted our partner when it comes to sex. For example, asking our partner if he or she wants to have a sexual relationship right before going to sleep while your lying down on the bed, without having seduced them during the evening, doesn’t show that you’ve put a great deal of interest and effort for it. Various reasons explain our lack of creativity in our sex lives. We tend to be shy or awkward, afraid that the other will reject us or look ridiculous, etc. This consequently diminishes our self-esteem when it comes to our capacity to seduce and turn on our partner. We thus prefer to put the least effort possible to avoid getting hurt in the process. For example, a person who would use her or his major assets to seduce their partner and receives as an answer: “I don’t want to tonight!”. will be much more disappointed than the person who does nothing but ask for a sexual relationship right before they go to sleep. 

Couples who will succeed in overcoming this inevitable hardship have some characteristics to help them out. Primarily, it is necessary to be ready to take chances and to get out of our comfort zone. To be able to develop our sexual maturity, it is necessary to leave the things we do best behind and to tolerate a certain discomfort even though we will probably find some obstacles on the way. It is necessary to learn how to accept our discomfort, our awkwardness and to dare to be truly naked, in the figurative and nonfigurative sense of the term, vis-a-vis our partner. It thus requires that we integrate a higher level of intimacy which is necessarily anxiety-provoking. If one agrees to show his or her true sexual self with a partner by exposing all our sexual preferences, fantasies and our most profound sexual desires, it is necessary to tolerate that our other half will not necessarily share the same pleasures.

Getting out of our comfort zone

It requires however to understand that the introduction of innovation into our sex lives is always unilateral. Sometimes, we must push the comfort zone of our partner to reach a more mature sexuality. On the other hand, that does not mean that we must force our partner with sexual activities that he or she does not want to undertake. One must understand that the changes we bring in our sexual scenarios requires a certain effort and that we should not accept that our partner decides to stagnate in his or her sexual development. Each partner plays the crucial role of constantly pushing their own limits and comfort level when it comes to their sexuality and that of their partner. If not, it is inevitable that the quality of sex in the couple will decrease and sexual desire will disappear. 

A bit of advice!

To conclude, here are three short phrases summarizing the preceding elements:

1. If one does not GO after what they want, they’ll never have it.

2. If one never asks, the answer will always be“NO”.

3. If you do not step forward, you’ll always remain in the same place.

When you do not have any more sexual desire for your partner, seize the opportunity that arises in front of you to grow and become more mature sexually! 

Francois Renaud M.A.

Sexologist & Psychotherapist Montreal

Couple’s Communication Issues or Unable to Tolerate Intimacy?

Real Intimacy is hard for everyone

We tend to assume that in couples with a high frequency of arguments that their is a lack of communication. It’s actually wrong to think that way, as it is impossible for 2 people in any kind of a relationship of not communicating. We communicate verbally, but most of our communication is actually done non verbally. Messages are rarely miscommunicated between a couple but rather it’s the message from the partner that is hard to accept. Partners who constantly seek to improve the communication in the couple are actually trying to get the message they would like to hear because they have a hard time believing what the other person is truly communicating. Typically, we’ll get one partner or both nagging the other one, so that they eventually get what they want to hear. These couples or individuals lack the capacity to really be intimate with one another. People who are capable of tolerating the intimacy needed in a long term relationship can appreciate the similarities they have with their lover, but also the differences. It is inevitable that we will find the latter in all couples who have been together for a long time. Most often we will find persisting conflicts about money, sex, the education of the kids, personal values and chores around the house.

Differences in your couple Make you Grow

Couples tend to avoid taboo subjects because they don’t want to face the irreconcilable conflicts. This dynamic inevitably creates superficial disagreements between couples, which don’t allow the partners to grow as people and lovers. It is entirely normal for couples to face conflicts of interest one day or the other. The important is not what the differences are or how many, but how we decide to deal with them. Conflicts between couples can serve the partners as a way to learn and better understand each other and themselves. This is the hard part of being in a couple, but down the line it brings couples to strengthen their bond and love between them. 

Repeating Patterns

People are willing to go to great lengths to avoid the real problems in their couple. They’ll put the blame on their partner, justify their actions by all kinds of rationalization pretend to act with good intentions or play dumbfounded, when they actually aren’t. Each of theses strategies and others are the perfect way to push the real conflict aside. On the other hand, sooner or later, the same problems arise and the couple feel as though their differences will never be reconciled. Surprisingly, this dynamic becomes in certain ways comfortable. For most, it’s actually easier to argue perpetually than to accept the reality they face. Our partners are different from us in the way they think, their values, opinions, attitudes, behaviours and beliefs. As simple as this concept might seem, in reality it’s quite difficult to live with these differences and truly accept them. Especially, when they have a direct effect on us, such as our sexual styles and preferences.

Conflicts in couples are inevitable, but must be dealt with adequately. It’s important to know ourselves well and have good self-esteem, while being firm with our positions yet still be flexible when it comes to a tense subject. People who have a hard time with intimacy are either very rigid in their interactions because, their partners’ differences are seen as threats to their identity (beliefs, opinions, values, etc.) or people are easily influenced by their negating their own identity and therefore avoid creating divergences with their lovers’.

Beware of Compromise

It often happens that couple’s conflicts aren’t settle within the first discussion. In fact, that allows each partner to reflect on the other’s opinion to discuss it another time. Compromise always lets one or both partner’s with a sour taste in their mouth, because you have to comply to the other one’s demands. It is  much better to find a consensus that both partners desire. Therefore, it’s important to be flexible in our opinions, values and beliefs without feeling threatened in our solid identity. If you can’t find a consensus then you have to find a way that you can tolerate it.

Finally, when a couple faces these hardships, it’s important that they deal with the intimacy that is developing between each other. To do so, we must accept that our partner is different from us, which is easier said than done. We must tolerate the anxiety provoked by the conflicts by staying firm to our convictions, yet taking the time to consider the other’s opinion while confronting ourselves to arrive at a consensus rather than a compromise. It is not the differences and similarities that determine a couple’s success, but rather how we deal with them and the perception we have of our lover in the process. 

Francois Renaud M.A.

Sexologist & Psychotherapist Montreal

Sex, The Body and Your Mind

Laws of the Body*

Mind and Body Are One

Although, it seems that our society has separated the mind from the body as two separate entities, sexuality, the body and the mind are inseparable. Some people tend to advocate that the brain is the biggest sexual organ of the human being. That is a half-truth since the brain is actually part of the body.  According to the «Sexocorporel», mind and body are interdependent of each other because one always affects the other. Feelings are felt through the body not our heads. This concept is called mind/body where our bodily movements (breathing, gestures, postures, etc.) have an impact on our mind (emotions, beliefs, self-esteem, sexual fantasies, etc.) The laws of the body which consist of muscle tension, our speed and the space we use, can help us on different levels of our sexuality. More specifically, the functions of the three laws of the body allow us to modulate our sexual arousal, augment our sexual pleasure, expand our sexual imagination and change our perception about sex.

Sexual Arousal & Sexual Pleasure

   First and foremost, it’s important that we make the distinction between sexual arousal and sexual pleasure. The former is the physiological response our bodies have when we are stimulated sexually (touching, hugging, caressing, kissing, masturbating, etc.). Men will have an erection while women will lubricate. On the other hand, sexual pleasure is how we feel about the experience whether it be good or bad. It is absolutely possible to be sexually aroused, yet feel no pleasure during a sexual activity. Even though, we are in love with our partner and are capable of having an orgasm, our subjective experience might not be as pleasurable as we would like. It’s not rare to find people who get cramps during sex, which diminishes the enjoyment of our sex life. Fortunately, we can heighten our pleasure with the three laws of the body, if we know how to explore their potential.

Muscular Tension

     Our muscular tensions play a crucial role when it comes to our sexual arousal. For the human body to get aroused there needs to be a certain amount of muscular tension in the area of the genitals. The buttocks, pubococcygeus (PC), abdominal and pelvic muscles are the most solicited during our sexual activities. The contraction and relaxation of theses muscles augment the blood towards our genitals which increases sexual arousal and makes us reach orgasm. It’s important to consider that our muscles can be hyper-contracted which can create cramps or too relaxed which becomes unpleasant as the sexual tension is not released. 

    The movements of the upper body such as shoulder, neck, back, and pectoral muscles access the emotional part of us. When we laugh, cry, feel joy, pleasure, etc. there is inevitably a contraction and relaxation (movement) of those muscles. When it comes to sexual pleasure the same principal comes into play. As our sexual arousal increases so do our muscular tensions in our entire body. Therefore to access even more sexual pleasure we can create more fluidity by moving our upper body in different directions to feel the various sensations during a sexual activity.

Speed of our Movements

     The speed of our movements also plays an important role in the sexual arousal and pleasure. When we slow down our bodies’ movements we are more aware of the diverse sensations of touching our partner. Futhermore, slowness allows us to relax our muscles and feel more sexual pleasure. Increasing the speed of our movements will inevitably make our muscles contract more, which escalates our sexual arousal so that we may reach orgasm. Hence, by playing with various speeds during sex we can modulate our sexual arousal to then increase our sexual pleasure and feel every different sensation that our bodies are capable of providing us.

Inner & Outer Space of the Body

    We can divide the space of our body into 2 types of category: inner and outer. The former is related to the style of breathing that we use. A deep, slow & abdominal breath will relax our muscles and allow to better feel our body. This relaxation will cause our movements to be slower and amplify our sexual pleasure. On the other hand, a short, rapid and thoracic breath will generate sexual arousal by contracting our muscles and increasing our speed.

   The space that we use outside of our body is the expression of our movements such as arms, legs, neck, pelvis, hips, etc. Movement is how the body feels pleasure. It would be hard to imagine someone feeling extreme pleasure in an immobilized state of his or her body. The more space we use with our body, the more our muscles contract and relax to provoke the movement. We are then capable of feeling numerous sensations that we would feel in a more limited space. Consequently, the more sensation we feel by diffusing our sexual pleasure throughout the entire body, the less we can concentrate in one particular area. Therefore, when we limit the movement we can concentrate our sexual arousal towards the genitals for example and have an orgasm. Once again, increasing and decreasing the space we utilize during our sexual activity will allow us to explore our sexual arousal and pleasure in different ways.

Just Have Fun!

  In conclusion, it’s important to remember that sexual arousal and sexual pleasure aren’t opposites. People can feel both at the same time. What is important is to find balance between these two concepts so that we can enjoy our sexual activities to the fullest. Therefore, enjoy exploring the three laws of the body and all areas of your sex life in various ways as to modulate your sexual arousal to make it last longer and heighten your sexual pleasure to enjoy even more. 

Francois Renaud M.A.

Sexologist & Psychotherapist Montreal

* Inspired by the Sexocorporel approach