Would you have sex with your friends

with "bang with your friends"?

What is it?

Social networks are part of our everyday activities in today's world. There are a number of ways we can meet new people, find a lover, go on dates or even find someone to have sex with. Another one of these came out lately and it is called ''Bang with your friends''. This tool allows you to secretly choose which of your friends on Facebook you would like to have sex with. If you end up with a match, then you are both advised of your sexual desire towards each other and it's up to you to choose to go through with it or not. How good or how bad of an idea is this new social (sexual) network tool?

Why use it?

The first thing that can come to mind is that this is a great tool for people who are too shy to seduce some of their friends out of fear of rejection and potentially losing the friendship. It also allows fuelling our curiosity by finally confirming who secretly fantasizes about us in our social circle. Have you ever had doubts about someone wanting you sexually, but were never able to actually confirm your suspicions? Well, now you can with this tool. What could potentially go wrong with two consenting adults who have mutual sexual desire for each and end up finding out with ''Bang with your friends''? Is it really different than having a one-night stand with a complete stranger we picked up at a bar. Some would even consider it better since you at least have some history with this person. Who knows, it might actually blossom into a full-blown romantic relationship.

What you need to consider before using it?

Advantages aside, what are the underlying complications and considerations of using such a service? First off, you’re inevitably changing the dynamic of the relationship from friendship to friends with benefits, commonly know as ''fuck friends''. Sharing a sexual experience with someone requires some form of intimacy that was not present in the previous dynamic. When you add sex to the mix, you’re getting to know your friend in a whole different way. Sexuality is for most people where their insecurities come out the most. Our sense of femininity and masculinity, body image, sexual performance, emotions, love, sexual fantasies, and much more all come into play when you literally and figuratively get naked with someone.

There are many elements that need to be thought about when using this new service, that is so readily accessible. It's important to think about the reasons your using it. Are you looking for someone you just want to have sex with or a long-term relationship with a friend? How will this change the relationship? What is the other person looking for? How will each of you react when one of you gets another partner? How do you terminate this relationship and go back to being friends?

On another note, what drives people to use this service rather than trying their chances by sexually seducing the people they desire? Besides the fact that this is done behind closed doors and if the person doesn't share the same sexual desire you don't have to feel the rejection. But then again, you still get to feel it, because you didn't get a match. Therefore, you suffer in silence and you get to avoid the embarrassment. What do you do, if you do get a positive response, but you don't necessarily have the guts to actually go forward with it anymore?

Short term vs. long term 

Such as it was stated earlier, this is great tool for people who have a hard time seducing, because they don't need to go through it all with this service. Then again, is it really helping them in the long run? If someone has a hard time with the risks that flirting always entails, how will they ever learn to cope with real time rejection, which no one can avoid in the dating scene.

''Bang with your friends'' has some advantages, but it also has its inconveniences that are more long term. Taking the time to reflect on the use of such a tool is a must before you start changing some of your friendship dynamics.

Francois Renaud M.A.

Sexologist & Psychotherapist Montreal

Relationship patterns and seduction

How they intertwine together!

We all have patterns in our romantic relationships, which have variable impacts on our lives. They often change due to our personal development so they can better serve our needs according to our beliefs, experiences and values related to our perception of love. In other words, they are modifiable in order to protect us and help us grow as individuals. When patterns are unhealthy, they usually make us feel unhappy, lonely, mixed up, rejected and get us into problematic relationships We therefore find ourselves in a vicious cycle of bad choices when it comes to our love life with feelings of disappointment which subsequently affect us.

Healthy patterns enable us to personally grow in our couple and the unhealthy ones are trying to protect us maladaptively. The latter are paradoxically comfortable in spite of the many problems they generate, because we can predict them and generate a sense of security. Changing patterns, all different circumstances put aside, causes anxiety for everyone. The feeling of anguish, when it comes to love, decreases motivation to modify patterns. Some people however are capable of changing them, which enables them to grow in the relationships they maintain.

Romantic patterns begin as soon as we meet another person for the first time In order to answer our pre-established criteria, we make a selection of whom we seduce and who is allowed to flirt with us. When we start to reflect on the people we choose to seduce and those we avoid, one can detect patterns of seduction. It is not rare to flirt with people who we feel at ease with , even if they aren’t always our first choice. We seldom approach individuals who  intimidate us or we do not feel equal to , because we assume, we will be rejected and inevitably hurt. We thus avoid changing our romantic patterns, in spite of the difficulties they create, in order to stay in our comfort zone. 

  

   In short, when we find ourselves in an unhealthy pattern, we avoid situations where we feel discomfort, fear or ill at ease, However, when we allow ourselves to live moments and situations of seduction that provoke more anxiety, we discover new aspects of ourselves and unexplored relationships are now possible. Awkwardness and missteps should not discourage us because they are part of the process towards change and growth  as a person. Eventually, we find our middle ground and it allows us to become more natural and fluid in being who we are. The next time you find yourselves in a context of flirting, choose the person you are really interested in and approach the ones that intimidate you.

Dare to take chances and be happily surprised! 

Francois Renaud M.A.

Sexologist & Psychotherapist Montreal

A lack of sexual desire is good for your couple!

A Normal phase in Your Sexual Development

Sexual desire is a feeling which pushes us towards the other so that we can answer our sexual needs. People’s sex drive is activated by various factors such as  feelings of love, pleasure, masculinity, femininity, physical features, personality, etc. There is a certain evolution that exists with sexual desire that is also influenced by age and also the length of time that a couple has been together. The majority of couples start with a high level of sexual desire which solidifies the bond between the partners. This period of time is often categorized as very passionate and filled with extremely good sex. Thereafter, attachment between partners is formed, which reinforces a sense of security in the couple. It is not unusual to find a sex life stuck in a routine at this point of the relationship. In fact, a great majority of couples are in a rut when it comes to sex and one or both partners have lost their sexual desire for their lover. This phase is completely normal and to some extent desirable in a couple. 

This phase is a test, which couples must endure for the growth of the couple leading to better sex. It’s inevitable that we will eventually have learned every single sexual advance and technique our partner uses to seduce and arouse us. Moreover, sexual desire is seldom high when you can predict the sexual behaviors of your partner and the manner with which he or she initiates sex. It is thus necessary to become creative and reinvent yourself sexually with our lover. How to get out of a sex rut when you’re under the impression that you have already tried everything? 

Recognize your couple’s dynamic

First off, we should recognize that we can tend to take for granted our partner when it comes to sex. For example, asking our partner if he or she wants to have a sexual relationship right before going to sleep while your lying down on the bed, without having seduced them during the evening, doesn’t show that you’ve put a great deal of interest and effort for it. Various reasons explain our lack of creativity in our sex lives. We tend to be shy or awkward, afraid that the other will reject us or look ridiculous, etc. This consequently diminishes our self-esteem when it comes to our capacity to seduce and turn on our partner. We thus prefer to put the least effort possible to avoid getting hurt in the process. For example, a person who would use her or his major assets to seduce their partner and receives as an answer: “I don’t want to tonight!”. will be much more disappointed than the person who does nothing but ask for a sexual relationship right before they go to sleep. 

Couples who will succeed in overcoming this inevitable hardship have some characteristics to help them out. Primarily, it is necessary to be ready to take chances and to get out of our comfort zone. To be able to develop our sexual maturity, it is necessary to leave the things we do best behind and to tolerate a certain discomfort even though we will probably find some obstacles on the way. It is necessary to learn how to accept our discomfort, our awkwardness and to dare to be truly naked, in the figurative and nonfigurative sense of the term, vis-a-vis our partner. It thus requires that we integrate a higher level of intimacy which is necessarily anxiety-provoking. If one agrees to show his or her true sexual self with a partner by exposing all our sexual preferences, fantasies and our most profound sexual desires, it is necessary to tolerate that our other half will not necessarily share the same pleasures.

Getting out of our comfort zone

It requires however to understand that the introduction of innovation into our sex lives is always unilateral. Sometimes, we must push the comfort zone of our partner to reach a more mature sexuality. On the other hand, that does not mean that we must force our partner with sexual activities that he or she does not want to undertake. One must understand that the changes we bring in our sexual scenarios requires a certain effort and that we should not accept that our partner decides to stagnate in his or her sexual development. Each partner plays the crucial role of constantly pushing their own limits and comfort level when it comes to their sexuality and that of their partner. If not, it is inevitable that the quality of sex in the couple will decrease and sexual desire will disappear. 

A bit of advice!

To conclude, here are three short phrases summarizing the preceding elements:

1. If one does not GO after what they want, they’ll never have it.

2. If one never asks, the answer will always be“NO”.

3. If you do not step forward, you’ll always remain in the same place.

When you do not have any more sexual desire for your partner, seize the opportunity that arises in front of you to grow and become more mature sexually! 

Francois Renaud M.A.

Sexologist & Psychotherapist Montreal

Couple’s Communication Issues or Unable to Tolerate Intimacy?

Real Intimacy is hard for everyone

We tend to assume that in couples with a high frequency of arguments that their is a lack of communication. It’s actually wrong to think that way, as it is impossible for 2 people in any kind of a relationship of not communicating. We communicate verbally, but most of our communication is actually done non verbally. Messages are rarely miscommunicated between a couple but rather it’s the message from the partner that is hard to accept. Partners who constantly seek to improve the communication in the couple are actually trying to get the message they would like to hear because they have a hard time believing what the other person is truly communicating. Typically, we’ll get one partner or both nagging the other one, so that they eventually get what they want to hear. These couples or individuals lack the capacity to really be intimate with one another. People who are capable of tolerating the intimacy needed in a long term relationship can appreciate the similarities they have with their lover, but also the differences. It is inevitable that we will find the latter in all couples who have been together for a long time. Most often we will find persisting conflicts about money, sex, the education of the kids, personal values and chores around the house.

Differences in your couple Make you Grow

Couples tend to avoid taboo subjects because they don’t want to face the irreconcilable conflicts. This dynamic inevitably creates superficial disagreements between couples, which don’t allow the partners to grow as people and lovers. It is entirely normal for couples to face conflicts of interest one day or the other. The important is not what the differences are or how many, but how we decide to deal with them. Conflicts between couples can serve the partners as a way to learn and better understand each other and themselves. This is the hard part of being in a couple, but down the line it brings couples to strengthen their bond and love between them. 

Repeating Patterns

People are willing to go to great lengths to avoid the real problems in their couple. They’ll put the blame on their partner, justify their actions by all kinds of rationalization pretend to act with good intentions or play dumbfounded, when they actually aren’t. Each of theses strategies and others are the perfect way to push the real conflict aside. On the other hand, sooner or later, the same problems arise and the couple feel as though their differences will never be reconciled. Surprisingly, this dynamic becomes in certain ways comfortable. For most, it’s actually easier to argue perpetually than to accept the reality they face. Our partners are different from us in the way they think, their values, opinions, attitudes, behaviours and beliefs. As simple as this concept might seem, in reality it’s quite difficult to live with these differences and truly accept them. Especially, when they have a direct effect on us, such as our sexual styles and preferences.

Conflicts in couples are inevitable, but must be dealt with adequately. It’s important to know ourselves well and have good self-esteem, while being firm with our positions yet still be flexible when it comes to a tense subject. People who have a hard time with intimacy are either very rigid in their interactions because, their partners’ differences are seen as threats to their identity (beliefs, opinions, values, etc.) or people are easily influenced by their negating their own identity and therefore avoid creating divergences with their lovers’.

Beware of Compromise

It often happens that couple’s conflicts aren’t settle within the first discussion. In fact, that allows each partner to reflect on the other’s opinion to discuss it another time. Compromise always lets one or both partner’s with a sour taste in their mouth, because you have to comply to the other one’s demands. It is  much better to find a consensus that both partners desire. Therefore, it’s important to be flexible in our opinions, values and beliefs without feeling threatened in our solid identity. If you can’t find a consensus then you have to find a way that you can tolerate it.

Finally, when a couple faces these hardships, it’s important that they deal with the intimacy that is developing between each other. To do so, we must accept that our partner is different from us, which is easier said than done. We must tolerate the anxiety provoked by the conflicts by staying firm to our convictions, yet taking the time to consider the other’s opinion while confronting ourselves to arrive at a consensus rather than a compromise. It is not the differences and similarities that determine a couple’s success, but rather how we deal with them and the perception we have of our lover in the process. 

Francois Renaud M.A.

Sexologist & Psychotherapist Montreal