Different Types of Sexual Desire Part III

How to Achieve Self-Validated Sexual Desire*

There is a fundamental difference between self-validated intimacy and all the other types of desire we mentioned in previous articles. It is on the level of intimacy that we can perceive it; more specifically the perception of ourselves and our authenticity. Feelings of being desirable are based for many people on the perception that their partner has of them. This way of functioning inevitably kills sexual desire in couples who have stayed at the attachment phase of sexual desire. At the beginning of a relationship, we seek to obtain others validation and approval, especially in sex. We want to be desirable in the eyes of our partner, we want to be able to offer sexual pleasure, to seduce and be loved at all cost. All of this is necessary and enjoyable in couples, although in long term relationships this dynamic weighs negatively on sexual desire.

Self-Validation

There are four fundamental elements that play a role in sexual desire in long term relationships.

• Our self-perception or self-esteem
• Our partner's perception of us
• The perception we have of our partner
• The way we treat and are treated by our partner

These four aspects have an important impact on our own sense of being desirable and the desire we have for our lover. A person can have a high sexual desire, but it isn't necessarily aimed towards their partner's. For which they may have lost respect for during the long years of living and being together. Following a plethora of numerous conflicts, deceptions, rejections, lost of integrity and low blows (Normal Marital Sadism) in their sex lives, they can diminish their admiration for their partner's and their own self-worth. This bring partners to seek for validation from others to feel desirable and desire. This dynamic can be translated in these terms: ''I want you to find me desirable, because I can't find myself to be desirable''.

Subscribe to our mailing list to receive notice of FREE videos on sexuality

* indicates required

Email Address *

First Name

Last Name

We often repeat that a good self-esteem, having confidence and being assertive is sexually desirable. The thing is, in long term relationships we get to see our partner in their most vulnerable states and glimpse at their insecurities. We know when they are seeking approval from us or others. This lowers sexual desire towards one or both partners. This is where alliances between partners in a relationship becomes either collusive,combative or non-existent. This difficult transition for couples to past from a other validated intimacy to self-validated intimacy necessitates a commitment to ourselves and a collaborative alliance in the couple. Certain couples are capable of overcoming these normal hardships with their own volition and emotional balance. On the other hand, many will need help from a sex-therapist who specializes in couples and sexual desire issues. This process with or without a professional obliges partners to self-confront about their anxieties, insecurities, short-comings and learn how to self-validate during periods of intense emotions and sexual intimacy.

Want to learn more?

Watch Sensual & Erotic Education webseries!

Learn more about the author

Francois Renaud M.A.

Sex therapist & psychotherapist in Downtown Montreal

Want more articles like theses? Subscribe to our monthly newsletter

Subscribe to our mailing list

* indicates required

Email Address *

First Name

Last Name

Therapeutic process with a sex-therapist

How does therapy work?

The sessions are normally scheduled once every week, which allows to gain momentum in the therapy work you’ve begun. 

The length of the therapy cannot be determined by your sexual, emotional or relationship difficulty, since every individual has a different degree of motivation, complexity and their dynamic unique to themselves. 

Therapy sessions can either be done individually or as a couple.

It is also possible to do therapy in the comfort of your home via webcam

First session

The first session allows to evaluate your reason of consultation, your objectives and expectations. With this information, the sexologist & psychotherapist can clarify the manner in which the subsequent sessions will proceed according to your individual and/or couple needs. 

This session is also essential in determining if you are comfortable with and trust your therapist. It is important to choose your sexologist according to his personality, his approach and interactions between you and him during this initial encounter. 

It is important to consider that therapy can be confrontational and uncomfortable at times and that it will allow you to progress in your process. 

Following sessions

Your therapist will gather more detailed information concerning your sexual and/or relationship difficulty that brought you to consult in the first place. The goal is to determine and understand your dynamic and the reasons you are facing these difficulties. Following these hypotheses, you will be able to establish with the sex-therapist objectives and ways of overcoming your difficulties.  

After 

Once the comprehension of the sexual problems are finished, the following sessions help you to achieve your goals by overcoming your limits. This step tends to be particularly difficult for some people and the results are determined by your motivation and resilience at tolerating anxiety that is inevitable when it comes to change. 

The last step

This step consist of doing a summary of the results of the therapy. Before ending the therapy, the sexologist & psychotherapist insures that you have integrated all the therapeutic gains that have been worked on so that you can independently deal with future issues autonomously. It is always possible to slowly space out the sessions at the end to facilitate the process.