Different Types of Sexual Desire Part III

How to Achieve Self-Validated Sexual Desire*

There is a fundamental difference between self-validated intimacy and all the other types of desire we mentioned in previous articles. It is on the level of intimacy that we can perceive it; more specifically the perception of ourselves and our authenticity. Feelings of being desirable are based for many people on the perception that their partner has of them. This way of functioning inevitably kills sexual desire in couples who have stayed at the attachment phase of sexual desire. At the beginning of a relationship, we seek to obtain others validation and approval, especially in sex. We want to be desirable in the eyes of our partner, we want to be able to offer sexual pleasure, to seduce and be loved at all cost. All of this is necessary and enjoyable in couples, although in long term relationships this dynamic weighs negatively on sexual desire.

Self-Validation

There are four fundamental elements that play a role in sexual desire in long term relationships.

• Our self-perception or self-esteem
• Our partner's perception of us
• The perception we have of our partner
• The way we treat and are treated by our partner

These four aspects have an important impact on our own sense of being desirable and the desire we have for our lover. A person can have a high sexual desire, but it isn't necessarily aimed towards their partner's. For which they may have lost respect for during the long years of living and being together. Following a plethora of numerous conflicts, deceptions, rejections, lost of integrity and low blows (Normal Marital Sadism) in their sex lives, they can diminish their admiration for their partner's and their own self-worth. This bring partners to seek for validation from others to feel desirable and desire. This dynamic can be translated in these terms: ''I want you to find me desirable, because I can't find myself to be desirable''.

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We often repeat that a good self-esteem, having confidence and being assertive is sexually desirable. The thing is, in long term relationships we get to see our partner in their most vulnerable states and glimpse at their insecurities. We know when they are seeking approval from us or others. This lowers sexual desire towards one or both partners. This is where alliances between partners in a relationship becomes either collusive,combative or non-existent. This difficult transition for couples to past from a other validated intimacy to self-validated intimacy necessitates a commitment to ourselves and a collaborative alliance in the couple. Certain couples are capable of overcoming these normal hardships with their own volition and emotional balance. On the other hand, many will need help from a sex-therapist who specializes in couples and sexual desire issues. This process with or without a professional obliges partners to self-confront about their anxieties, insecurities, short-comings and learn how to self-validate during periods of intense emotions and sexual intimacy.

Want to learn more?

Watch Sensual & Erotic Education webseries!

Learn more about the author

Francois Renaud M.A.

Sex therapist & psychotherapist in Downtown Montreal

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Different Types of Sexual Desire Part II

Complexity of Our Relationship and The Influence on Our Sexual Desire

For a long time, humans have tried to understand the mysteries of sexuality and more specifically how to create sexual desire in men and in women. There have been many debates, experiences, research, theories and hypotheses that came forth from the subject. To this day, there is still no consensus because the process of sexual desire is complex, variable, individual and also relational.

The relationship aspect is probably what makes sexual desire in humans the more volatile and unpredictable. It has the capacity to create a very strong desire or it can completely and utterly shut it down. It is also for this reason that brings couples to consult a sexologist in therapy, for difficulty with the level of sexual desire in men and in women. It is actually one of the most difficult issues to treat, but not impossible.

Sexual desire issues are common in relationships for either one or both partners and even a positive thing! Although it is normal, it doesn't make things easier to handle. In fact, contrary to the other categories (physiological and emotional), relational sexual desire follows a linear path. On top of that, it is often associated with one or more of the other types of desires that we described in the previous article. Let us start by describing the different types of sexual desire in the relationship category.

Sexual desire related to relationship dynamics

Passion Phase

The beginning of a relationship is often a mixed spiral of euphoria, passion and novelty that instantly creates in a person sexual desire towards their partner. This step in a relationship is normally satisfying when it comes to sex because both partners feel desirable, desired and desire towards each other. The smallest amount of stimulation or thought that comes from the other person creates sexual arousal and a desire to have sexual activities with that person. It is a desire primarily based on the exploration of the other person which for many cultivates their adventurous and creative side of sexuality.

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Romantic & sexual desire

The second step can quickly happen when both partners fall in love for each other and emotional aspects start to play in the sexual desire. This sexual desire is characterized by the presence of love between partners. They start to know more things about each other and they share a form of intimacy that feels unique to them. A form of admiration starts to settle in which energy motivates and creates sexual desire between the spouses. This drive is often more affectionate, mixed in with sexual and sensual aspects. This desire can be motivated by the want of making a family together and to get closer on an emotional level. At this phase, we tend to find a sexual desire of emotional fusion with the other. This creates the feeling of being unique in the other persons eyes during sex and especially when there is penetration (vaginal, oral or anal). This phase lasts 1 to 3 years, but rarely longer.

Attachment Phase

If a couple is capable of developing feelings of attachment and commitment towards each other, they move on to the next phase of sexual desire. This type of desire has often lost its sexual component and it is replaced with a profound sense of reciprocity and affection. We know our partner better, which also entails knowing the less admirable and desirable traits they have. This weighs heavily on the sexual desire that we have towards them in a negative way. Therefore, there is a decrease in sexual creativity in the couple, a routine is constructed, we start taking our partner for granted, we don't seduce them anymore, sensuality and eroticism disappears. This is especially common in couples who start having children. Unfortunately for some, the length of this phase makes it hard for them to overcome it once the family situation has become more stable.

Generally, much frustration, repetitive conflicts and rejection has created a distance on the sexual aspect of the relationship between the partners. Major differences are made apparent between them, which makes it hard to have sexual desire towards each other. The difference between the levels of sexual desire is something that also comes to be more problematic. This is where we notice that there is a HDP (High Desire Partner) and a LDP (Low Desire Partner). This dynamic of difference between the levels of sexual desire will test the alliance that the couple has built during their years of the relationship.

Self-Validated Desire phase

This fourth and last phase of sexual desire is a tough patch to get through, as it requires work on ourselves and the couple. Many couples decide to stagnate at the previous phase of attachment and the lovers will stay unsatisfied on the sexual level. Others will consider terminating their relationship to solve their sexual and relational difficulties. Some may choose infidelity to satisfy their sexual needs that their partner can't or won't answer. There are others who choose to have an open relationship where one or both partners have sex with other people. The two last options don't truly resolve the dilemmas in the couple. Learn how to get pass this normal phase of your relationship.

Next article:

How to Achieve Self-Validated Sexual Desire 

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Francois Renaud M.A.

Sex therapist & psychotherapist in Downtown Montreal

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Women's fierce sexuality

Gender roles are changing

There is a misconception that women either don't like sex or aren't really interested in doing it. We portray women as liking sex because it has an emotional component to it and they can feel more connected to their partner. As much as gender roles are changing, women who actually demonstrate and say they like sex because they feel sexual pleasure are openly or secretly branded as being nymphomaniacs or worse «sluts». Girls will seldom brag to their friends about their masturbation sessions as boys will do in their teenage years. Yet, they masturbate just as much. They want to know as much about sex as the boys, but will hide their curiosity or desires to avoid being stigmatized.

There is guilt associated with female sexuality and a double standard, even if it isn't openly said these days. Men are portrayed as the sexual beings who are always ready and want it all the time in a heterosexual relationship. If the roles are reversed, men tend to feel threaten by their female partner's sexuality and feel less manly. Most of the time, they won't admit feeling diminished because that would be showing their vulnerability, which makes them feel even less like a man.

Protecting yourself and your partner's ego

Women pick up on these dynamics and what they rather end up doing is being disinterested in sex rather than showing their own eroticism to their partners. They protect men's egos so that they (women) don't get branded with being a nymphomaniac. So we perpetuate the myth that men are the sexually charged gender in our societies. While in fact women's sexuality has been repressed for so many generations they don't even realize their full sexual potential.

This tends to create a High Desire Partner (HDP) and Low Desire Partner (LDP) dynamic and creates conflicts in long-term relationships. Now, not all women are more sexual then men, but it is a truth in certain relationships that is highly ignored in today's relationships and should be addressed more often.

Why women don't have sexual desire?

Typically, when couples consult a sex-therapist for differences in sexual desire, we assume the woman is the LDP (Low DesirePartner). Most of the time, when that is the case, it's not because she doesn't like sex...she doesn't like it with her partner. She's actually bored with sex, because her level of eroticism is more developed than his and she's afraid to show it. Either she's avoiding being judged by him or she doesn't want to hurt his feelings by emasculating him. This demonstrates a lack of intimacy in their relationship, where neither partner is willing to face the hard truth about their sexuality. This limitation on the perception of masculinity and femininity creates many sexual difficulties that could be avoided by having a larger view of these gender roles.

Why do men lose sexual desire?

You might be surprised to hear, but fifty percent (50%) of the time in therapy, the man is the one who is the LDP. When this happens, it is not that he is bored as women tend to be, but feels threaten by his partner's sexuality and eroticism. When he picks up after awhile that she has more desire, more initiative, more creativity and sexual huffmp than him, he loses his feelings of being a man. This creates a lack in desire in men because he doesn't feel up to the challenge to please his partner and therefore gets demotivated to have sex.

Men are thought and are perceived as being the ones who educate women on their bodies and sexuality. They are the ones that lead and get their desires fulfilled, which makes them feel competent as men. They get a sense of pride out of playing that role, but when they don't have those aspects to hold on to, they don't feel good about themselves.

Man up! Woman up!

As an adult, it is time to grow up and mature in our sexuality and capacity to be truly intimate with our partner. Sex should be pleasurable, fun, playful and enjoyable. When it stops being that way, it is time to reflect on your sexual maturity and deal with your short-comings. If you feel threaten or intimidated by your partner's eroticism and sexuality see it as a challenge to overcome rather than an obstacle that you want to avoid. Bring yourself to push your personal limits and get your funk on!

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Women should not feel ashamed about sex and should demand what they sexually desire. Sex is one of the most beautiful and extraordinary ways you can connect with a person and feel loved. It is also a wonderful activity to share pleasure and reach ecstasy through our minds and bodies. Passing up that opportunity to protect your partner or from what other people might think of you isn't worth it, considering what you are losing for yourself.

Men need to acknowledge their limitations and try to surpass them rather than avoid them. Sex is not a competition or a performance, but a shared activity that requires you take care of yourself and your partner to enjoy the moment. NOT TO IMPRESS SOMEONE!

Want to learn more?

Watch the Sensual & Erotic Education webseries

Learn more about the author

Francois Renaud M.A.

Sex therapist & psychotherapist in Downtown Montreal

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Webseries

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Increase Your Sexual  Pleasure

1) Sexual Desire, Arousal & Pleasure: The Differences!

Publication Date: 8th of August 2014

How do you feel sexual desire?
What stimulates it?
Are you truly satisfied with your sex life?
Are you comfortable in your body during sex?
Can you differentiate between sexual arousal and pleasure?

2) Sexual Pleasure & Space of Your Body

Publication Date: 22nd of August 2014

How much space do you use during sex?

Which parts of your body do you move?

How is your breathing (swallow or deep)?

Where do you feel your orgasm (mainly genital area or entire body)?

3) Muscular Tension & Speed Relative to Your Sexual Pleasure

Publication Date: 5th of September 2014

Do you have relaxed or contracted muscles when becoming sexually aroused?
How fast do you go when you stimulate yourself and\or your partner?
Can you tolerate being slowly sensual?


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Francois Renaud M.A.

Sexologist & Psychotherapist Montreal