How to Achieve Self-Validated Sexual Desire*
There
is a fundamental difference between self-validated intimacy and all
the other types of desire we mentioned
in previous articles. It is on the level of intimacy
that we can perceive it; more specifically the perception of
ourselves and our authenticity. Feelings of being desirable are based
for many people on the perception that their partner has of them.
This way of functioning inevitably kills sexual desire in couples who
have stayed at the attachment phase of sexual desire. At the beginning of a relationship, we seek to obtain
others validation and approval, especially in sex. We want to be
desirable in the eyes of our partner, we want to be able to offer
sexual pleasure, to seduce and be loved at all cost. All of this is
necessary and enjoyable in couples, although in long term
relationships this dynamic weighs negatively on sexual desire.
Self-Validation
There
are four fundamental elements that play a role in sexual desire in
long term relationships.
- Our self-perception or self-esteem
- Our partner's perception of us
- The perception we have of our partner
- The way we treat and are treated by our partner
These
four aspects have an important impact on our own sense of being
desirable and the desire we have for our lover. A person can have a
high sexual desire, but it isn't necessarily aimed towards their
partner's. For which they may have lost respect for during the long
years of living and being together. Following a plethora
of numerous conflicts, deceptions, rejections, lost of integrity and
low blows (Normal Marital Sadism) in
their sex lives, they can diminish their admiration for their
partner's and their own self-worth. This bring partners to seek for
validation from others to feel desirable and desire. This dynamic can
be translated in these terms: ''I want you to find me desirable,
because I can't find myself to be desirable''.
We
often repeat that a good self-esteem, having confidence and being
assertive is sexually desirable. The thing is, in long term
relationships we get to see our partner in their most vulnerable
states and glimpse at their insecurities. We know when they are
seeking approval from us or others. This lowers sexual desire towards
one or both partners. This is where alliances
between partners in a relationship becomes either collusive,combative or non-existent. This difficult transition for
couples to past from a other validated intimacy to self-validated
intimacy necessitates a commitment to ourselves and a collaborative alliance in the couple. Certain couples are capable of
overcoming these normal hardships with their own volition
and emotional balance. On the other
hand, many will need help from a sex-therapist who specializes in
couples and sexual desire issues. This process with or without a
professional obliges partners to self-confront about their anxieties,
insecurities, short-comings and learn how to self-validate during
periods of intense emotions and sexual intimacy.
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